Surviving Life
by Chocolate Scones
Summary: Nikki always knew that arguments would have consequences, but she had never thought that a disagreement over a case could lead to… this. Hopefully the fic is more interesting than the summary!
1. Prologue

**Hi! I'm pretty new to the fandom (though I have seen most of the past series) and this is my first Silent Witness fic! **

**I've enjoyed writing it so far and I really hope you enjoy reading it!**

**It's un-beta'd, so if you spot any mistakes please let me know :)**

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**1. Prologue**

Nikki stared up at the ceiling, her troubled mind picking through a complicated case that had not let her sleep for nearly three nights now. Everyone was saying that it was the brother, but there was something screaming at her, telling her that it wasn't him.

"Was it you?" she whispered, "Did you kill your sisters before turning the gun on yourself? It wasn't you, was it?" she sighed, "I really need some sleep."

"You really do Niks."

Nikki nearly jumped out of her skin, "Harry! Don't do that to me!"

"You do know that talking to yourself is the first sign of madness? I guess the second must be talking to dead people…" he smirked

"Shut up Harry." She yawned, slowly lifting herself off the sofa, "What time is it?"

"Nearly half seven." He opened the blinds, laughing at the sight of Nikki wincing.

She glared at him, "You sadistic bastard."

"I love you too Nikki." He grinned, "You've been here all night then?" he asked, picking her laptop up from the floor' he stopped grinning; "You're not still fixating on the Flanagan case are you?"

"A triple murderer is out there somewhere Harry; I need to prove that to the police." She told him whilst inspecting the state of her make up by looking into the screen of her mobile phone. She decided that she'd do.

"Nikki, we've proved that he shot himself and that he died after his sisters did." He said, sighing, trying not to smile; this had always been one of those things that he really loved about her, her convictions and how she would stand by them no matter what. At times it had really annoyed him (he had the feeling that now would be one of those times), but it was just something that made Nikki, well, Nikki!

"He had no reason to kill them, no history of mental problems, he was close to his sisters… we need to start looking at the step father." Nikki picked up Jacob Flanagan's medical notes.

"There is absolutely no evidence of anyone else being there at the time of the murder!" he said, willing the conversation to be over.

"Then how do you explain the unidentified finger prints on the gun, the blood on the door handle?" she argued angrily.

"That was Marie Flanagan's blood." He left Leo's office, "Would you like some coffee?"

She followed him, "No thank you. Harry, the blood was found on the outside of the door! We found Marie inside; we know that she was killed inside!"

"Jacob had her blood on his hands; he went outside after killing his sist-"

"Why would he do that Harry? To pop outside for a cigarette after killing his sisters and before killing himself? Do you really believe that?" she stormed off, "I'm going home, tell Leo I'll be back in at about nine."

He ran down the corridor after her, "Nikki!"

She spun around, "Why won't you support me Harry?" she snapped, "You know it makes sense!"

"There's no evidence tha-"

"Oh shut up Harry! You just don't want to admit that you were wrong"

Why was she so angry about this? "Niks, he shot himself."

"So that automatically means that he shot his sister? Harry! Are you so bone headed that you won't consider-"

"What have _I_ done?!" he asked, his arms open and his eyes wide.

She couldn't think of a decent answer; she was angry with him because she was sleep deprived and she knew it, but she wouldn't admit it to him, "Just leave me alone!" she stormed down the corridor. When she reached the door, she heard a whisper of the word _"Women!"_ Again she span around, "Oh piss off Harry!"

He didn't attempt to go after her.

*****

She sat in her car, watching her knuckles glow white as she clutched onto the steering wheel, trying to vent out some of her anger. She knew that she was being silly and irrational, and she knew that she normally wouldn't get worked up like this, but that didn't make her any less angry.

She saw Leo approaching, "Nikki, are you all right?"

And with that, she was gone.

*****

"Harry? I've just seen Nikki in the car park… is she okay? Have you done something to upset her.

Harry bit his lip, "I might have…" Leo gave him that disapproving look, "I don't think she's slept for a couple of nights… we had a bit of an argument, I refused to agree with her on the Flanagan case… and then I might have called her a woman…"

Leo winced, "Oh Harry! Do you have any idea whether she's coming back?"

He shrugged, "She said that she'd be back at about nine, but that was before… you know."

Leo grinned, "Yeah, I know. She'll just need to cool off and get some sleep, I'm sure she'll be fine in a few hours."

Harry leaned back into Leo's sofa, getting a whiff of Nikki's perfume, "I've not seen her that angry in a while Leo."

"You know Nikki, she'll be fine."

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**Thanks for reading! **

**There was too much dialogue towards the start I know, but I'm fairly happy with this chapter :)  
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**Please tell me what you think of it so far!!**


	2. Doing What I Have To Do To Survive

Hi! I've had a lovely response to the last chapter, you've all made me so happy! :) The SW fandom is one of the nicest ones I have come across! In particular, thank you to Lilypad1, Charlotte88, langfieldl, Deewrotestory and Immortal Spud Thief for reviewing!

Just to warn you, this chapter gets a lot darker!

Enjoy!

**2. Doing What I Have To Do To Survive  
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Nikki found herself staring back up at the ceiling, finding it even harder to get to sleep. Her brain was so wired; she couldn't stop thinking about Harry and the Flanagan case. For a moment she considered going back to work to apologise to Harry, and perhaps persuade him to help her, but she soon came up with what she thought was a better plan.

Back behind the wheel, she plugged the address into her sat nav and set off. She started to realise that this might not be the best idea, but despite herself she carried on.

She arrived at her destination and looked up at the big Victorian house before her. With a deep breath she nervously knocked on the door. A tall, middle aged man answered, "Mr Grayson? My name is Dr Alexander, I'm a Home Office pathologist," she pulled out her ID, "I was wondering if I could-"

"Talks to me about the deaths of my step children?" he finished her sentence for, "Come in." he groaned.

As she followed him through to the living room, Nikki remembered seeing him on the news playing the grieving parent. As she looked at him, she wondered whether he really could be a murderer, "Mr Grayson, I'd like to ask you what your stepson was like, if I may?"

"Well he was obviously a sick bastard, doing that to his sisters. And he was a coward too." He seemed incredibly calm and collected, almost practiced perhaps.

"I mean before the attack." She sat down, trying to observe his body language which was so far telling he that something was definitely wrong here. He knew something, but she couldn't quite put her finger on what.

"Does that honestly matter? You already know that he killed them, what more do you need?!" he said with a note of anger.

"I'm just trying to establish what state of mind Jacob was in before the attack, whether there were any indications of what was to come." In other words, did he kill himself and his sisters, did someone else or did you?

He looked a little annoyed but remained calm, "I thought you were a pathologist, not a psychologist." Nikki didn't answer him, "Would you like a cup of tea Dr… Alexander was it? Or some coffee perhaps?"

She suddenly realised that she hadn't had anything to drink since the previous night, "Um, yeah, a coffee would be great."

As she waited for him to return, she started to look at the various photos placed around the room. There were various photos of the family that had once consisted of five people. She picked up one of a younger looking Peter Grayson playing with three teenagers on a Mediterranean beach.

"We were so happy then."

Nikki jumped, she hadn't noticed him return to the room, "But you haven't been happy recently?"

"Not since my wife died, no. Anna took it the worst, she struggled to accept her mothers death, but Marie and Jacob looked after her." He handed her the mug of coffee before sitting back down with her, "Why are you here Dr Alexander?" she stared at her as she took a large swig of her drink, "What is it you really wanted to talk to me about?"

Something in his eyes made her scared, "I just… I just wasn't entirely sure that Jacob was the kind of person who would do this to his family or to himself. As you've just said, he looked after his little sister, they were close." She started to blink rapidly as her vision slowly became blurry.

A sick smile appeared on his face, "Yes they were doctor, but does that automatically mean that he's incapable of doing these things." His voice seemed distant.

"Well no, I guesh not." She gasped, hearing her speech slurring, "Mr Grayshon…" everything began to swim, "Oh…Oh God." She had never felt so light headed before. She looked up at Peter, "What… why?" this came to no more than a whisper.

And then there was darkness.

*****

Harry sat with his phone to his ear. No answer. Again. He'd lost count of the amount of times he had tried to ring Nikki that morning. Of course he thought that Nikki should be the one to apologise to him, but he was easily prepared to put that behind him for the sake of her happiness and her friendship. It was just one of things that you had to put up with when it came to Nikki. Not that she wasn't an easy person to get along with; they had one of the most natural friendships he had ever experienced, so yes, sacrificing a little bit of pride would indeed be worth it.

"She's still not picking up?" Leo walked past, "Don't worry, she's probably fast asleep or something."

"What are we going to do about the Flanagan case?" Harry asked, knowing that they couldn't go on like this.

"I'm sure she'll see sense when she's had some rest." Leo sorted through some papers.

"So you do agree with me then, it was definitely the brother?" Harry just needed to make sure.

"Of course." Leo smiled.

*****

Nikki's eyes slowly flickered open… where was she? Why did her head feel like it was made of lead?

Her eyes scanned the room, though she seemed unable to move the rest of her body. She realised that she was lying on a bed, a bed that wasn't her own. A beam of light shone through a gap in the heavy curtains that adorned the large window on the wall to the right of her; it was still day time.

Someone entered the room, "Awake at last Nicola?"

She racked her memory, trying to remember who this man was, "How do you know my name?" she asked, her voice hoarse and weak.

"You showed me your ID, don't you remember?" As her vision started to focus, she noticed him smiling.

"Do you know Nicola, you remind me so much of my eldest, Marie. She was beautiful, slender… blonde." He sat down on the bed beside her. She felt all of her muscles tighten, "She was wonderful Nicola, you would have liked her, I'm sure of it."

Her memories started to return to the conscious part of her brain, "You drugged me?"

He started to stroke her hair, "I just did what I had to Nicola, you understand that don't you?"

She shook her head slowly and painfully, "You killed your step children?" her voice was trembling.

"Like I said, just doing what I have to do to survive." He told her, smiling.

"Please get of me!" She whispered, close to tears.

"Marie always liked it when I stroked her hair, it made her feel special. She was special. Her real father never appreciated that." He started to use more pressure, stroking her head and arms so hard that Nikki thought they might bruise, "I bet your special too Nicola. Did your father love you?"

She gasped, trying to pull away from him, "Please let go off me!" He grabbed her arm, "You're hurting me!"

The smile disappeared from his face, "You're not going anywhere Nicola."

Adrenaline rushed through her veins; she lunged for the bed room door, trying to free herself from his grip.

For a moment she got away.

She nearly made it out of the door.

She was dragged back to the bed, kicking and screaming, tears streaming down her fragile face.

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**It'll probably be a few days before I upload the next chapter as I don't have any evenings free until the end of the week due to the school play (First show in less than three hours! *bites nails***

**Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!  
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	3. She Didn't Care

**Hi! Sorry for the delay; I had hoped to upload this on Friday, but my mouse decided not to work for two days!**

**Sorry for not being able to reply to all of your comments! I loved them all and I'm so glad you're enjoying the fic! **

**Thank you to those who wished me good luck with my school play, it went very well! It was my very last one before I leave high school and go to college, so it was quite emotional! :P **

**Thank you Immortal Spud Thief, Charlotte88, lilypad1, Pearl sun, langfieldl, Saffiya Scarlett and x-MJ-x for reviewing! You've all made me feel very special! **

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**3. She Didn't Care  
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Harry knew that something was wrong, he could just feel it. He looked at his watch; it had been nearly half an hour since he had last tried to ring her and ten hours since she had stormed out of the building.

For the twenty first time Harry picked up his mobile phone and dialed speed dial number two (number one was, of course, his mother). He didn't expect her to answer, instead he waited for that jolly 'Hi, you've reached Nikki…"

*****

Nikki stared at her phone, willing it to stop ringing. How did it even get to be on the floor here anyway? She was sure that she'd left it in the car.

She wasn't scared of picking up the phone, she wasn't feeling fear or anger… she wasn't feeling anything; She just wanted the floor to open up and eat her whole. She felt the radiator that she was lying against burning her bare back, but she didn't care.

She reached over to the phone. Slowly she picked it up and accepted the call, "Harry?" she whispered, her voice unable to manage any more than this.

"_Oh Nikki thank God!" _Harry sounded so relieved, _"Why the hell weren't you answering your phone?!"_

"Harry?" she repeated herself, sounding almost bewildered.

If she was aware of anything around her, then she would have heard the confusion in his voice, "_Nikki? Nikki, what's wrong? Where are you?"_

She felt her lip tremble, but no tears came from her eyes, no sob rose in her throat, "Please Harry…" she heard footsteps coming up the stairs; the fear returned, "Harry help me!" this was said at less than a whisper as she pushed the phone under the bed.

*****

"Nikki! Nikki I need you to tell me where you are!" Harry said desperately. He found himself short of breath, "Nikki?"

Leo walked over to him, smiling, "So you've managed to get in contact with her-" he broke off, seeing the look on his colleague's face, "Harry, what's wrong? Is she okay?"

Harry shook his head, "I don't know, she's in trouble but… I don't know!" he still had the phone pressed to his ear. Leo tried to speak again but Harry hushed him as he heard someone else entering the room. He heard Nikki's laboured breaths though she was obviously a few metres away from the phone now. The other person was a man, she could tell by his own breathing.

"What's going on?" Leo asked as Harry turned white as a sheet, his eyes widening. He didn't have to wonder for long though; the screams were so loud that half the office could hear them.

Charlie looked up from her desk, "What the hell is that?!"

Harry jumped up, keeping the phone to his ear. He ran over to Nikki's desk and started frantically throwing the papers all over the place, looking for something that might indicate where she was; he was sure that it had something to do with the Flanagan case.

"What are you looking for Harry?" Leo joined him.

"Nikki? Nikki are you there?" he had heard the man leave the room, "Nikki" Pick up the phone!" still looking at the papers, he noticed one name cropping up again and again, "Peter Grayson? Is it Peter Grayson, the step father? Nikki?" he got no answer.

*****

She could hear Harry's voice coming from down the phone, _"Nikki! Nikki! I need you to tell me whether you are at Peter Grayson's house… Nik-"_

"SHUT UP!" She screamed, "SHUT UP!"

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**I hope this isn't too traumatic :P **

**I wasn't totally happy with this chapter, but I felt it needed to be quite short. The next one's longer and will be uploaded ASAP (probably tomorrow... I love half term holidays!)**

**Please tell me what you think! I'd be happy to hear some con crit too if you don't like the way I've done something!**

**Happy Valentine's Day!**


	4. Stay With Me

**Thank you to Immortal Spud Thief, Saffiya Scarlett and Langfieldl for reviewing the last chapter :) Here's the next one as promised!**

**Here's where I start to use my very basic medical knowledge... I have done research etc, but there is a (strong) chance that I could have gotten some stuff wrong (though I have kept it as simple as possible in an attempt to avoid this) so if anyone with any medical knowledge spots any mistakes, please let me know and I'll try to fix them accordingly. Also if I've not explained something enough, please tell me!

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**4. Stay With Me  
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"Come on!" Harry shouted, beeping his horn and looking at his watch; this had been the longest twenty five minute car journey he had ever experienced. The police had told him to wait for them when he arrived at Grayson's house, but the chances of that happening were nil. He jumped a red light and went around a corner without indicating, receiving a number of angry beeps.

He reached Grayson's road and jumped out of the car, leaving it parked about two feet away from the kerb. He ran to the front door and kicked down the door without even thinking.

And there he was, in front of him… was it him? He looked into his eyes, "Nikki!" he shouted. The man flinched and looked up the stairs; this was enough for Harry, "You bastard!" he knocked him out cold with one swift move, he hadn't previously been aware of his own strength.

Seconds seemed to take minutes as he ran up the stairs, bursting into every room that he came to. And there she was, curled up on the floor, naked, shaking like a leaf, her eyes shut tightly in anticipation of… him, of Peter Grayson, "Oh God Nikki!" he ran over to her.

"Don't touch me!" she screeched, more terrified than she had ever been before. Had he come to finish her off?

"Nikki it's me, it's Harry! Nikki you're safe!" he crouched beside her, his hands open, his eyes unable to cope with what he was seeing. He had never seen anyone looking so… vulnerable before; it was only because Nikki needed him up here with her that he didn't go downstairs and give Grayson what he deserved.

Slowly, she looked up at him, her deep brown eyes full of pain, "Harry?" she was trembling, "Harry?" a single tear ran down her cheek as Harry took her in his arms, clutching onto her frail frame.

Harry heard police sirens coming from outside, "You're safe now Nikki. You're going to be okay." he kissed her on the forehead

"Am I?" she whispered.

The front door slammed. Harry knew that Grayson had gone.

*****

She didn't let go of his hand, not once. An ambulance took them to the nearest hospital where they were met by the police who told them that they were doing everything they could to catch Grayson. The main foyer of the hospital was full of doctors and nurses and patients and porters; there were so many people.

"Harry." Nikki whispered, clutching his hand tighter.

"It's okay Nikki; I'm sure Obs and Gyney will be much quieter." he crouched beside the wheelchair she was in. He forced a sympathetic smile as he considered how fragile she looked, drowned by the scrubs she was wearing and just… any onlooker could just tell that something truly terrible had happened to her and that her recovery would not be an easy one.

*****

"Hello, I'm Doctor- Nikki! Oh God… Nikki…" the doctor obviously recognised her patient.

Nikki didn't even look up.

The doctor tried to carry on; she knew that gasps and shocked faces wouldn't help Nikki, "My names Dr Ellison, I'll be treating Dr Alexander." She told Harry, aware that Nikki wasn't listening to anything that was going on around her, "Did they get him?" she asked quietly, "Did they get the man who did this?"

Harry shook his head, "They will though. You know Nikki then?" he asked.

She nodded as led them through to a side room, "We go way back; school, college, uni… we lost contact a few years ago though. You're her… partner?"

"Colleague… friend." He corrected himself, "Best friend. Harry Cunningham."

Dr Ellison nodded, kneeling before Nikki's wheelchair, "Nikki, I need you to get into this bed for me. With your permission, I'd like to take some samples."

"We already know who did this to her, there's no need for a rape kit!" Harry said, not wanting Nikki to have to go through any more, "She doesn't need people prodding and poking her at a time like this."

"It's okay Harry," Nikki spoke for the first time, "I'll do it."

*****

"She doesn't look like Nikki any more Leo." Harry sat, head in hands, struggling to cope with everything that had happened over the last few hours.

Leo didn't know what to say, "She'll survive this Harry… she's a fighter, you and I both know that."

"You didn't see her Leo…" he said, close to tears.

"Dr Cunningham?" a nurse ran out from Nikki's room, "Dr Alexander's needs you."

He hastily followed her through to the room found Nikki in the midst of a panic attack, "It's all right Nikki, I'm here now," he grabbed out of her outstretched hand, "No one's going to hurt you while I'm here, I promise."

Nikki calmed down, "Please stay Harry." She looked up at him, looking into his eyes for the first time since they had left Grayson's house.

"Of course I will." He said, his eyes brimming with tears as he looked at this physical shadow of Nikki. But she was still his Nikki, she could never be anything but.

*****

Dr Ellison finished taking swabs and photographs and brought her the morning after pill and a glass of water. She looked down at her old friend and wondered how a strong and brilliant woman like Nikki Alexander could be crushed in a matter hours… the power that men had… the power to wreck someone's world. She knew that women could cause terrible pain too, but she had worked with too many rape victims to underestimate the horrific abilities of men.

She looked at Harry Cunningham, and she did not see a monster, an abuser, she saw a good man, a good man who would take care of Nikki, who would be devoted to helping her get better. She listened to him comfort her. She knew that he was struggling with this; it was bad enough seeing a friend that you've not seen for years like this… she knew that Harry must have been going through hell. She over heard two words, a name, a name that she did not want to hear;

"Peter Grayson? The Peter Grayson whose step son killed his sisters?" she asked to make sure she had heard correctly. When she got a nod from Harry, she pulled him outside, "Dr Cunningham, there's something I need to tell you… oh God I shouldn't be telling you this, I should follow more official lines."

"Just tell me!" Harry knew that she held some vital information, something that probably breached patient confidentiality.

"The quicker we get on top of this the better…" she took a deep breath, "I have treated Peter Grayson in the past when I've been on call."

"Treated him? What for?" Harry had a sickening feeling that he already knew what for.

"He's HIV positive."

*****

"No." Nikki whispered, staring into her old friends eyes, clutching onto Harry.

"Nikki…" Dr Ellison didn't know what to say.

Nikki turned away from her, letting go of Harry's hand, "I said no Gemma! It can't… I can't…"

"I'd like to put you onto a course of preventative antiretrovirals straight away to try to inhibit the reproduction of the virus."

"Fine." She whispered, "Do what you need to do." The various possible side effects ran through her head; nausea, vertigo, diarrhoea, jaundice, vomiting, hepatitis… the list went on. She had once had a friend who had needed to go through all of this; they were on rotation together as junior doctors and he had received a needle stick injury... it had just changed everything for him.

"Nikki I'm so-" Harry began.

"Don't," she said, still remaining calm and apparently emotionless, any hint of a quiver in her voice gone, "Don't say it. And please stop crying."

Harry wiped his eyes. It worried him that Nikki herself wasn't crying; surely it was normal to cry in situations like this? She was so still, so different, "It'll be okay Nikki."

"You can't know that." She turned to Gemma, "Can I leave soon? I want to get out of here."

"When we've sorted out your medication." She left the room to sort things out.

"The police will want to speak to you again in the morning… you weren't really saying much before."

"Has Leo gone home?" she asked, ignoring what he had just said.

Harry nodded, "Janet needed him."

"I don't want to be alone Harry." She stated, "Will you stay with me?"

"Of course I will." He smiled.

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**I hope you enjoyed it! **

**It'll probably be a couple of days until I upload the next chapter, but I'll get it done asap :)**


	5. Like A Ghost

**Hi! Another fairly short chapter today, but I think that this chapter is needed :)**

**Thank you to Immortal Spud Thief, Saffiya Scarlett, langfieldl, Silver-Ashes and Elynara for reviewing! You lovely people! =D**

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**5. Like A Ghost  
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Nikki stared at the three bottles of pills; Codeine for the physical pain and two types of antiretrovirals to possibly stop her getting HIV. Would this be what she had to live by from now on? Drugs to keep her alive. She had never really gotten ill as a child and as an adult; she just had to cope with occasional migraines and the occasional attack from a suspect/police officer/other.

"You've been staring at those bottles for over an hour now Nikki," Harry watched her from the sofa. He walked over to where she was sat at the breakfast bar, "Maybe you should get some sleep."

"Please don't tell me what to do." She said, not taking her gaze of the bottles for a second, "I've not slept in days." She told him, not using it as an argument or an excuse, just stating it as a fact.

"You can't just stay there Niks." He sat down beside her, "I'll bet it's been hours since you've eaten." He brought his hand to her hair.

With a scream she jumped up, "No! Don't touch me, stay away from me!" she ran into her bedroom.

Harry sat there stunned at the sudden change in her character… but surely anything was better than that veil of indifference? He moved towards her bedroom door, "Nikki? Niks are you alright?"

"Stop asking me whether I'm alright!" She shouted, annoyed.

Then silence.

She wouldn't respond to his apologies, reply to his questions. He couldn't hear sounds of crying or even movement in there. He considered just barging in there, but he knew that he wouldn't be helping her fragile state if he did.

He slid down the door frame, tired and unsure, "Please Nikki…"

*****

"Thanks for coming around Leo, I know it's late, but I needed someone to talk to." Harry welcomed him into Nikki's flat.

"How is she?" Leo asked worriedly, taking off his coat, "I would have come earlier, but I didn't know whether she'd want anyone… You know…"

Harry nodded, "But you're not just anyone Leo." They say down, "When you asked me how she was… I don't know! She shut herself away in her bedroom about an hour ago. I don't know if she's asleep, or…" he took a deep breath, "She's not coping Leo."

"She was raped less than twelve hours ago Harry, she's been faced with the possibility of having HIV… I don't think anyone would appear to be coping." Leo told him, the voice of reason.

"She's like a ghost, she's shut herself off from everything and," his lip trembled, "And I can't see a way out." A tear ran down his cheek, "I can't see this ever being over. She won't cry, she won't talk to me… Nikki cries, Nikki lets her feelings be known, Nikki tells me everything!"

"She's in shock… and I don't think she's ever told you _everything._" He smiled, "This won't be an easy journey Harry, we both know that, and maybe she'll never be the same again, but it won't always be like this."

"If she has HIV..." Harry wiped his eyes with one of Nikki's overly floral tissues.

"She can still lead a long and happy life; the treatment is excellent these days." Leo told him what he already knew, ignoring what Harry really meant.

"For the physical effects, yes. But then there are the side effects… " He closed his eyes, "Do you think she'd speak to a psychiatrist? Maybe she'd be able to accept what's happened to her."

"Maybe we should leave that for a few days; we don't want to pressure her into doing anything that she'd not ready for."

"She flipped out before," Harry changed the subject a little, "I stroked her hair and… he must have _touched _her there." He spat, jumping up, "I can't stand it Leo! I keep imagining him hurting her…" he grabbed his own head as if he was trying to squeeze out the images.

"I… I can't get the sound of her screams out of my head." Leo admitted, "It just makes me want to…"

"Hurt everyone who has ever thought about hurting her?" Harry looked up, "Yeah, me too."

"I've always imagined that should Cassie have lived then she would have grown up to be something like Nikki." He smiled almost proudly.

"That would have been nice." Harry agreed. He suddenly grinned, imagining Leo saying that in a different situation; he would have made a comment about the horrors of there being two Nikki's in the world and she would have given him _that look._

"She'll get better Harry, I promise."

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**I hope you liked this chapter! I know I'm making Harry cry more than he probably would in the show but I think it's a good contrast with Nikki's apparent absence of emotions.**

**More Soon!**


	6. I Can't Live Like This

**Here we are; the next chapter! Thank you to Saffiya Scarlett, langfieldl, Immortal Spud Thief, Carmelchan and greyslostwho. I love the fact that so many of you seem to be getting emotionally involved with the story; it's just the biggest compliment I could possibly recieve!!**

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**6. I Can't Live Like This  
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Harry lay in bed, slowly drifting off to sleep, still worrying about Nikki, still tempted to go and check on her. He had knocked on her door at about ten o'clock, but she had just shouted at him to go away.

As his eyes started to close, a scream came from the next room, "Nikki!" wide awake, her ran through to her room, barging through the door.

He found her curled up on the floor, leaning against the radiator; in her head she was back in Grayson's house, "I'm here Nikki," he sat down beside her and held her in his arms, "You're at home and you're safe."

"You promise?" Nikki asked. She sounded like a little girl, asking her daddy whether the boogie monster was going to come and eat her up.

"I promise." He kissed her on the head, picking her up and placing her slender, shaking body onto the bed, "Do you want me to stay tonight?"

She nodded, "Thank you Harry." She pulled his arm around her waist feeling comfort from his presence.

"I won't go into work tomorrow." He pulled the duvet over them, "I'll ring Leo in the morning."

Nikki pulled away from him, "No, you should go in. I'll be fine." She knew that Harry would argue, "Please Harry! I… I have some things to sort out and I would rather do it alone."

"Okay, but you must call me if you need me." Harry was uncomfortable with this, "I don't want you to feel scared."

*****

Harry looked into the mirror and inspected his stubble. With a yawn he decided that he needed to go and pick up some things from home before going back to Nikki's apartment that evening.

He had rang her at about ten o'clock and she had seemed fine, well, she seemed the same as before. The lack of emotion in her voice and actions terrified him; he had to keep reminding himself that she was in shock and that it wouldn't last forever.

"There you are!" Harry hadn't spotted Nigel entering the toilets, "Harry, I think you need to come to the cutting room."

"Why?" he asked, "Is everything okay?"

"It's Nikki."

For a moment everything went black; the room started to swim and Harry felt like he was about to collapse.

"No!" Nigel almost laughed, "She's not… she's fine… well she's not fine, but she's alive. She's in work and… well obviously she shouldn't be."

"Obviously." Harry whispered, slowly recovering from the brief shock. He followed Nigel through to the cutting room. They found her midway through an autopsy. Charlie and a few of the technicians stood around the side of the room looking helpless, "Why didn't you stop her?" he asked.

"You know better than I do what she's like when she's determined to do something." Nigel told him.

Harry nodded thoughtfully and made his way over to Nikki. For a moment he just watched her. She kept twitching, completely aware that he was standing behind her but desperately trying to ignore him.

"What are you doing Niks?" he put his hand on her arm.

She flinched, "Don't touch me Harry!" she tried to carry on with the post mortem, "I was supposed to do this yesterday… I didn't get the chance."

"Leo was going to do it this afternoon. Nikki, you need to stop," this version of Nikki he saw before him was a new one, but she was frightening him even more, "You're not ready for this."

She froze, "Who the hell are you to tell me what I'm capable of doing?!" she snapped angrily, pulling away from the corpse.

"Your friend!" Harry shouted back, "Nikki it's not even been twenty four hours yet!"

"I know how fucking long it's been!" she moved to the other side of the body and started hastily cutting through his chest, refusing to move her eyes away from it. She wiped away a tear. This was the second tear that had left her eye since Harry had found her.

He ran over and pulled her arm away from the body, "This isn't you Nikki" He held onto her arm as she tried to pull it away, "Ahh fuck!" he screamed; they had both forgotten about the scalpel in her hand.

A gasp spread around the room.

"Oh my God!" she stared at the crimson blood seeping out of the gash in Harry's left hand. She dropped the knife and moved away from him, her eyes wide with fear. She stared at her own gloved hands.

"Nikki, it's fine, it doesn't matter!" Harry watched as she became more and more distressed. He grabbed a cloth and wrapped it around his hand. Looking at the wound, it wasn't as bad as it had seemed to be a few moments ago.

Nikki collapsed to the floor, burying her head in her hands. Noisy tears came from her eyes and throat, "I can't do this Harry!" she looked up at the staring faces, "GET OUT!" she suddenly screamed, "EVERYBODY GET OUT!"

The technicians practically ran out of the room leaving only Harry behind with the near hysterical pathologist.

"I can't live like this Harry!" She sobbed.

Harry didn't know if it was a relief for her to finally showing some emotion. He had been beginning to think that it might be weeks before this moment came, but he was so grateful that it had come sooner rather than later; the pain and emotions had already built up to such a degree that she had exploded like this, "It's okay Nikki-"

"Shut up Harry!" she pulled away from him when he came towards her, "I know that you're here for me and that you promise that no one's going to hurt me, I get it!" She seemed to spit the words out, "But you can't help me with this!" she grabbed her hair, "You can't help me with what's going on in my head."

"I can try," Harry attempted to hold back his own tears, "If you'll let me."

"But it's such a mess!" she cried, "Even I don't understand what's going on in there, so what chance in hell do you have?" She sank down to the floor, resting hear head on the cold floor, just wanting everything to go away.

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**Another emotional one for you there then! **

**I hope you enjoyed it!  
**


	7. For Nikki

**Hello all of you lovely people! I've had a ridiculous response to the last chapter; you're all going to make me big headed! ;) That said, please keep them coming! :P **

**Thank you to Immortal Spud Thief, Pearl sun, Elynara, greyslostwho, Carmelchan, langfieldl and Saffiya Scarlett!

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**

**7.**** For Nikki**

"What's going on?" Leo asked. He had just returned to the centre to find the technicians crowding around the cutting room doors.

"It's Nikki," Charlie told him, "We think she's having some kind of breakdown. Harry's in there with her."

Leo deliberated whether to enter the room, thinking that Harry might be better handling this alone, but a crash coming through the doors made up his mind for him.

He ran through the doors to find Nikki crouched in the corner of the room, shaking like a leaf, tears streaming down her face with various pieces of surgical equipment scattered on the floor before her. Harry was stood facing her, obviously terrified for her and cautious about moving towards her, "Nikki please…?"

"Don't… Harry…" she looked up, "Leo." She collapsed to the floor, starting to hyperventilate.

Leo stood still; he didn't know what to do. Neither he nor Harry and ever been in a situation like this before and they didn't know how to make things better.

"The police are here Harry," he remembered why he was heading towards the cutting room in the first place, "They want to talk to you about… about Grayson."

"No!" Nikki cried, "Don't let them…"

Harry moved towards her, "We need to move you out of here Niks."

"Dr Alexander?!" The leading police officer on Nikki's case, DI Ashfield entered the room.

Harry went to help move Nikki out of the room, but she hit out at him, "Don't touch me Harry!" she screamed hysterically, "Let go of me!"

"We need to get you away from these knives," he motioned to the equipment on the floor, "Nikki please!" he struggled to keep hold of her.

"Stop it!" she screamed, pulling away from him growing ever more hysterical, "Let go!" she managed to escape his grip but she lost her footing and fell to the floor.

Everything seemed to travel in slow motion for the three other people in the room as they helpless watched her descent to the floor, as her head smacked into the cold tiles, as her eyes gently closed and blood slowly spread in a ring around her head.

"Nikki!" everything rapidly sped up with Leo's words, "We need to glove up, just in case."

"Quickly!"

"We need some help in here!"

"Doctor Alexander?!"

It was chaos.

*****

For a woman who didn't have many friends, Doctor Nicola Alexander was certainly well loved; Harry was a permanent fixture at her bedside, Leo and Janet regularly passed through, many of the technicians had come bearing cards and flowers. DI Ashfield had brought a card signed by some of the police officers Nikki had worked with before and Dr Gemma Ellison had managed to fix it so that she could treat Nikki herself.

Harry watched with a worried smile as Nikki's eyes gently flickered open, "Welcome back."

She squinted, her eyes adjusting to the light, "Harry?" she asked, slightly confused. She winced as the feeling returned to her body and a rush of pain came from the back of her head, "What happened."

"You had some kind of panic attack and you fell and hit your head." Harry told her simply.

She focused in on the bandage that covered Harry's left hand, "I did that to you?" the memories began to trickle back. When she looked at Harry's hand she felt so angry with herself, "Oh God Harry!"

"It was an accident, it doesn't matter." He held her hand comfortingly, "All that matters is that you're okay."

"But I'm not okay, am I?" she asked sadly, "I just want to feel normal again, but when I tried that… well you know what happened there."

"We're going to get you better Niks, I promise." He smiled, "What were you thinking, coming in today?"

"What was I supposed to do?" she asked, getting worked up again, "How long does the recovery process take? How long must I wallow in self pity for? How long is it normal to stay off work for? A day? A week? A month? A year?! Well I might as well stay off work for the rest of my life!"

"Nikki, please." Harry clutched her hand tighter.

"Please what?" she sat up, tears in her eyes again, "React as a rape victim should? Because you know how I should be acting and how I should be feeling, please tell me because I can't cope with the confusion and the hatred."

"Hatred?" Harry asked.

"Yes! Hatred of _him_, hatred of myself! When I look into the mirror, I can't stand what I see, because I don't see myself any more! And I know that you think that too."

Harry felt guilty, "For a moment, maybe, but I can see you again now."

"So this is recovery? Really?" she asked doubtfully, "Because it really doesn't feel like it."

"I know." Harry told her, "But we've got to get through this traveling one step at a time."

Over past few hours, Harry had it confirmed to him that he would do anything for Nikki. He had looked at her limp body, covered with scratches and bruises and he wished to God that it was him in that bed, and he was not a religious man. He knew that he loved her, perhaps he had always known that much, but he also knew that acting upon his feelings would possibly be the worst thing he could do in this situation, but he could cope with that for Nikki.


	8. The Waiting Game

**Hi y'all! Sorry this has taken a little longer than normal!**

**Thank you to Immortal Spud Thief, Saffiya Scarlett, langfieldl, PixieHead and Caramelchan**

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**8. The Waiting Game  
**

Slowly but surely, Nikki seemed to recover from the attack. She still wasn't quite the Nikki that Harry and Leo remembered, but she definitely appeared to be getting there.

The police still hadn't found Grayson, but they were fairly sure that he wouldn't come back to hurt Nikki; he didn't even know where she lived and she never left the house alone. Apparently he was last seen in Spain.

Harry, still living in her apartment, watched her preparing dinner. It had been a success when she started to do anything for herself again; for two weeks after her breakdown, Nikki struggled to leave her bedroom and she totally depended on Harry to do everything for her.

She had started taking antidepressants when she was hospitalised and Harry knew that she somehow felt ashamed because of them, but it was something she lived with. After all, she'd rather feel ashamed than feel some of the things she had felt before.

The antiretrovirals were taking their toll on both of them; she was spending about two hours a day throwing up any food that Harry had managed to get down her throat in the first place, she was constantly coming down with crippling migraines. He had to cope with her mood swings and he spent most nights sat up watching repeats of _QI_ and _Have I Got News For You?_ on Dave when she couldn't sleep, which he gladly did.

"You're looking beautiful today." He smiled.

She looked up at him, a little surprised, "Umm, thanks!" she looked back down at the large pan of spaghetti bolognaise with a bemused smile, "Harry?" she asked with a little hesitation.

"Yes?" Harry instantly knew that she wanted something, something that he might not approve of.

"I was thinking… maybe I could try going back to work?" she held her breath, waiting for his probably negative answer.

"Do you think you're ready?" He asked. He decided that he wouldn't show Nikki how nervous he was about this prospect; it was her decision and her life.

She nodded slowly and thoughtfully, "I think so… I want to try. I can't stay at home forever.

"Okay. I'll phone Leo in a bit." He smiled.

She knew that the smile was a little forced, "Don't worry, if I think it's too much for me, then I'll gladly admit defeat and try again at some other point. But I'd like to go back as soon as possible."

"Don't you think you should wait until you've had your three month test? If it's positive then-"

"Then I stay off work for the rest of my life because I'm HIV positive?!" She snapped, "Whether it's positive or negative, I will be going back to work at some point!"

He walked up to her, "I know Niks." He wrapped his arms around her comfortingly. Any onlooker would have thought that they were a loving couple.

Nikki tried not to talk about the stress that the prospect of having HIV was causing, not even with Harry; he was doing so much for her as far as the rape was concerned, he didn't need to be bogged down with this as well, "I wish I could just have the test now and get it over with."

"But you know that even if you do have HIV, the antibodies that would be created to fight it wouldn't show up on the tests yet, you could get a false negative." He was just telling her what she already knew,

"I'm just so sick of playing this constant waiting game!" she sat down at the breakfast bar facing away from Harry, trying not to let him see her tears.

"It's only another month Niks," he started to stir Nikki's bolognaise, "We've made it this far, we can last that little bit longer." He hadn't realised that he had said completely the wrong thing until Nikki slowly turned around, her face bright red.

"_We've_ made it this far? _We _can last that little bit longer? Oh can _we_ really?!" she was obviously furious; "_You _aren't the one having to live in constant fear of your own life! _You _aren't the one having to take that poison to try and stop yourself dying! _You_ aren't the one who has to cope with all of this!" she turned back around buried her face into her arms, leaning against the table, sobbing violently.

Harry didn't know what to say. He knew that she was struggling to cope and he knew that her mood swings could do things like this to her and he had always known when to put his foot in it.

He carried on making their tea; trying to comfort her when she was like this would be no use. After about fifteen minutes he placed a bowl filled with her favourite meal in front of her.

Looking up, she pushed it away, "I'm sorry."

"You're not hungry?" he asked sitting down opposite her.

She shook her head, "Not really. And I'm sorry about before."

"It's fine." He smiled and took a large mouthful, "This is delicious."

"No it's not! I mean, it's not fine; I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you. No really, without you I wouldn't have gotten through the last two months and I repay you with _that._"

"The things I put up with for you!" He rolled his eyes jokily, "I just want you to be happy Niks."

"Well I can't say that I'm on top of the world," she pulled the bowl back towards her, "But I'm getting there."

*****

One last check of her make up in her wing mirror, one last mental pep talk and she was ready. Well, she was as ready as she'd ever be.

She straightened her jacket before entering the Lyell centre feeling rather apprehensive. With a deep breath, she pushed open the door.

"Welcome back Dr Alexander." One of the cleaners greeted her with a smile.

"Oh," She had somehow caught Nikki off guard, "Thank you Jesse." On her way through to the office she was greeted by sympathetic smiles and knowing looks.

"Niks, you made it!" Harry spotted her, "I'm sorry I had to leave early."

"It's fine." She moved closer to Harry, "Can we go somewhere a little more private please?"

Harry raised his eyebrows, "Sure! Is something wrong?" they went through to Leo's empty office.

"No… I just… Everyone's staring at me." She was clearly feeling agitated, "I know that it's to be expected, but I just hate the fact that everybody _knows" _

"I know Niks." He hugged her, "But you have to remember that everyone her cares about you; they've been wanting you to get better and come back into work as much as Leo and I have."

"Which is lovely, of course but… it's just hard." She closed her eyes, leaning into Harry's chest before pulling away from him, "But I have to do this, I have to just get used to it!"

"And you're definitely ready?" Harry asked.

She nodded, "As I'll ever be."

*****

Leo watched Nikki doing her second PM of the day. She'd been back for a week now and, to be honest, it was like she'd never been away. She was more anxious about things than she had been before, and she was clearly weaker physically due to her medication, but she smiled, and when she laughed… hearing her laugh brought a smile to everyone's faces; they had all seen what she was like after her attack and they had all secretly thought that maybe they'd never get the old Nikki back.

"I think I'm going to be si-"

They brought the buckets out a split-second too late.

"Nikki, it really doesn't matter." Leo saw the horrified look on her face.

"Oh God." She ran out of the cutting room, pulling off her gloves. She bumped into Harry.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"You were right," she said, starting to cry, "I came back to early."

"You've been doing brilliantly, what's happened?"

"I just threw up over a body!" she sank to the floor.

He sat down with her, "I'm sure we'll be able to clean it up." He reassured her.

Leo joined them, "Are you okay Nikki? Look, you really shouldn't blame yourself for what happened; it was out of your control."

"But that doesn't make it okay! How would you feel if some incapable pathologist threw up over _your_ dead grandmother?!" she noticed people staring at her but decided that she didn't care.

"The family need never know Nikki. Maybe you should go to you GP and see if they can do anything?" Leo suggested.

"Maybe, yeah." Nikki sighed, fed up with herself and with the world around her.


	9. You Just Assume

**Yeay! FF. net's letting me upload again! Sorry about the wait! =) **

**Thank you to Saffiya Scarlett, PixieHead, Carmelchan and langfieldl for the lovely reviews! =D**

**Also, as a side note, I've attempted to explain (very basically) HIV tests and how they work... sorry if it's still unclear or just plain wrong!  
**

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**9. You Just Assume  
**

"I'm what?!" Nikki sat open mouthed, staring at her doctor, "But I… I can't!" she whispered, a lonely tear dribbled down her cheek.

"I'm very sorry Nicola." The doctor told her sympathetically.

"It's Nikki." She said sadly. She hadn't been able to bear people calling her 'Nicola' since the attack, "Well I suppose it explains why I've been being sick so much, I thought it was just the medication."

"It's three weeks until you're tested for HIV, yes?" he asked.

She nodded, "Is there no way we could bring it forwards?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

"As you know, we don't actually test for the virus itself, we test for the antibodies that your body would produce to fight it, should you have the disease and these antibodies usually aren't produced for the first couple of months after infection."

"But it's already been a couple of months." She knew that there was no point in arguing, Dr Young couldn't do anything about matters.

"I can book you into a clinic before then." The doctor started typing something into his computer.

"No! You can't just assume that I…" she rested her forehead on her hands and started to rub away an oncoming headache, "I need to think about it, talk it through with my friends."

"Of course, I'm sorry." He apologised.

"It's okay… I just don't know if this hell is ever going to end."

*****

Harry looked at his watch, starting to wonder what was taking them so long. He always got anxious and impatient when it came to anything like this. He prayed that there was nothing else wrong with Nikki.

Nikki was accompanied back to the waiting room by her doctor, "Are you going to be okay from here?" he asked her gently.

She nodded, "Thank you."

"If you need anything then just phone the surgery." Dr Young smiled supportively.

"Thank you." She repeated.

Harry instantly knew that something was really wrong; that look was back on her face, the look that told him that her mind was elsewhere, in some dark, horrible place, "What is it? What's wrong?" he asked.

"I… Can you just take me home please Harry?" she asked. She seemed to be staring through him rather than looking at him.

"Um, yeah, sure." He desperately wanted to know what had happened, but he knew that she would tell him in good time.

*****

Nikki stared into the distance for almost the entirety of the journey home. Harry felt a little relief when he saw tears running down from her eyes; at least she hadn't completely regressed back to the state had been in after the attack.

"I'm pregnant." She said simply, still staring forward.

Harry nearly crashed the car, "Wha- Oh Niks." He said with a sigh.

There was a long silence. Harry kept looking over to Nikki to see if she was alright, but of course she wasn't alright. He had no idea what to say.

After a few minutes he decided to pull into the side of the road. He turned off the engine, not taking his eyes off Nikki, "Niks… how… how do you feel?" he cringed as soon as he had said it.

She shrugged, "I really don't know," she stared out of the window, "I don't… I don't think that my mind will be able to deal with anything like this until I've had the HIV test. Harry," she looked it him, "Can you just take me home please?"

He nodded, "Sure." He didn't know what he had expected to happen… the first image that had come into his mind was her bursting into floods of tears and flinging her arms around him. She was in shock and she obviously didn't want to show Harry how hard it had hit her.

As they drove back to Nikki's apartment, Harry took every opportunity he could to look around at Nikki to check that she was alright. Sucked into her own dark world, she didn't notice him; she was barely aware of anything around her.

Stuck at traffic lights, he started to study her face; her eyes had grown so dark over the last couple of months, but in the last half an hour or so they had taken on a new level of sadness. Whenever he looked into her eyes he wanted to cry and sometimes when he was alone he would do just this, remembering the visible pain.

"Niks, we're home." He told her after sitting in the stationary car for a few minutes.

"Oh… I hadn't noticed." She said, not seeming to care.

She followed him up to her apartment, stopping occasionally, seemingly forgetting that she had been walking in the first place. She looked around her and the corridors seemed foreign, as though she hadn't walked along them almost every day for the last six years.

The last six years… how different things had been six years ago. If she had stayed on the path she had then been following, things never would have ended up like this. Perhaps she would have gotten together with George Kinsley, the young archaeology professor who had always made her laugh. Perhaps they would have gotten married and had children and been happy. Two months ago, if someone had asked her whether she would go back to the way things were before, before the Lyell centre, before Harry and Leo, she would have said not in a million years… now she wasn't quite so certain.

She found herself sitting on her sofa, not entirely sure how she got there. She looked up and saw Harry making her a mug of coffee, "Harry." She whispered, the sound of his name somehow comforting her.

"Yes?" He brought over the steaming cup, that sickeningly sympathetic look in his eye.

Nikki knew that he was doing his best, but having Harry pitying her made her feel so angry sometimes. He saw her as being a different person and so he treated her differently. She realised that it wasn't intentional, but she missed being able to have a laugh with him. There were times at work when he'd forget, which would in turn make her forget and they could share a joke and spend a few minutes just doing what they had always used to do. Until he remembered of course.

"How did this happen?" Harry asked, "You took the morning after pill."

She shrugged, "No contraceptives are 100% guaranteed to prevent a pregnancy." She said as if she was reading the words from a packet. She stared down into the dark mug of coffee, "Dr Young asked whether I might have been sick in the few hours after I took the pill… I couldn't remember. I can't remember much from back then."

He sat down beside her put his arm around her, "It'll be okay Niks."

She leaned against his shoulder, "Will it?"

"We'll go private, yes?" He asked, fiddling with her hair; she didn't mind him doing that so much anymore, "We'll get it over and done with in a few days."

"Sorry?" she asked confused.

"Then we'll be happy, we can carry on getting back to normal." He carried on.

She sat back up sharply, "What do you mean?!"

"It's for the best-"

She recoiled from him, "Have an abortion? You just assume that I want to kill it?!"

"No, I, well, I thought that you would-" Harry tried to back track and did so rather unsuccessfully.

She stood up. Although she remained calm, the tone of her voice couldn't have hurt Harry more, even if she had been screaming at him, "You can't just make these decisions for me Harry! You're not even considering how I might feel!" tears filled her eyes.

"I'm sorry Niks," he was feeling so out of his depth, "I…I…I wouldn't have-"

She pulled on her coat which had been laid over the armchair, "I'm going." She said very matter of factly, "I'll be back in a few hours."

"But Nikki, I-"

"Just leave me alone Harry!" She cried, "Please! I can't… I can't talk to you right now, I'm sorry." She ran out of the apartment.

Everything told Harry to run after her, but he knew it would make things harder for them in the long run if he did. How could he be so stupid?! All he wanted to do was protect Nikki and he had thought he had known how to, but obviously he was wrong.

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**Ooh I can't wait to hear what you think of this chapter!! =D **


	10. He Thinks He's Helping

Heeey!

Thank you to Saffiya Scarlett, Immortal Spud Thief, PixieHead, langfieldl, MayH for reviewing! =D

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**10. He Thinks He's Helping  
**

Leo walked arm in arm with Janet down the road holding his umbrella over them both. He loved her smile; it could brighten up in the stormiest day.

"I love you." He grinned, not remembering when he had last felt this happy. There was no specific reason as to why he was happier now than before, nothing particularly amazing or special had happened, but he just felt at peace with the world.

She smiled back at him, "I love you too." She felt the same. She loved the way the moon seemed to shine in his glistening eyes and she loved the way he made her feel.

"Thank you for a lovely evening." He bent in for a kiss as they approached the house, but was interrupted by a gasp.

"Who's that?" Janet was staring at what to Leo just looked like a lump if nothing in particular at the front door.

He focused in on this lump and noticed the sodden blonde hair, "Nikki?!" he ran towards her.

She had been waiting for them to return, curled up in a ball on their doorstep in the torrential rain. She looked up at them, "I'm sorry Leo."

"Oh God Nikki! What the hell are you doing here?" She was shaking like a leaf; she was wet through and had probably been so for quite a while. He picked her up as Janet opened the door, "Lets get these clothes off you."

"No!" she shouted, breaking out from the hypothermia induced haze.

"You can't get changed by yourself, not when you're like this. Will you let Janet help you? If not then we'll have to ring an ambulance Nikki." He told her as he laid her down on the sofa.

She could barely move. Hypothermia had taken a grip of her entire mind and body, and she had struggled to think about anything coherently even before coming out into the rain.

She let Janet replace her wet clothes with tracksuit bottoms and a thick woollen pullover as Leo (who was probably the owner of the pullover she considered) gathered up as many blankets as he could find.

When Nikki was lay under a suitable amount of blankets by the roaring fire with Janet blow-drying her hair, Leo picked up the phone to call Harry.

"Please don't ring him!" she managed to say.

Leo raised his eyebrows, "Alright then. You've had a row?" he signalled to Janet to turn off the hairdryer.

She nodded, "Things are hard. For both of us." She stared at the flames in the open fire dancing around the logs.

"So hard that you do this?" He sat down at her feet.

She nodded, "Yes." After a long silence, she decided to tell him, "I'm pregnant."

Both Leo and Janet's heads shot around to look at Nikki. How much pain could be inflicted on this girl?

Janet looked uncomfortable, "Leo, we probably should ring an ambulance."

"I'm fine." Nikki said, lying. She could slowly but surely feel the heat returning to her bones though. Despite herself, she burst into tears. "I can't handle all of this Leo!"

Janet stood up, "I'll make us some hot chocolate." She made a swift exit, knowing that it wasn't her place to be involved in this conversation.

Leo moved an armchair over to the head of a sofa, "It's definitely… his?"

She nodded, "There's no doubt about it." She moved her hand out from underneath the blankets, wanting Leo to hold onto it, which he did, "Harry told me that I should get rid of it."

He tried to rub some heat back into her still freezing hands, "And you don't think that that's such a good idea?" he asked.

"I don't know." She bit her chapped lip, "I'm only just learning to cope with everything else, I can't deal with anything new on top of the rest of the mess." She looked into Leo's big brown eyes, "These past few years you've been more like a father to me than my own dad ever was."

Leo smiled, "You don't mean that Nikki."

"Of course I do! I chose not to tell him about the attack, what does that mean? You're supposed to be able to talk to your father about anything, but I don't think I could possibly begin to tell him about all of this."

Leo bent down and kissed her slender hands, "It kills me seeing you like this Nikki."

"You're starting to sound like Harry." She said half-jokily.

Leo sighed, "He'll be worried sick about you Nikki."

She looked away from him, "I know. He thinks he's helping… I thought he was until tonight, but then I realised…" she trailed off.

"Realised what?" Leo asked as Janet returned with three mugs of hot chocolate.

"That I'm burying what happened to me for his sake. I can't bear to see him hurting and I hate being the cause of that hurt… but surely I'm hurting more than he is! I try to pretend that I'm over it, but I'm just not."

Janet sat at the foot of the sofa, "Have you tried telling him this?"

She shook her head, "Like I said, I don't want to hurt him." She said dejectedly.


	11. What Did You Expect?

**Thank you for another lovely response to the last chapter! =) Immortal Spud Thief, PixieHead, Pearl sun, Silver- Ashes, Saffiya Scarlett, Caramelchan... you're all wonderful people! =P**

**Here's the next chapter! It's another biggie (not particularly in size but in importance)!**

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**11. What Did You Expect?  
**

Nikki looked down at her stomach, staring at a bump that, for the time being, was barely visible.

Could she possibly have this child? Would she even be able to look at the baby without being reminded of it's conception?

But could she kill it? Could she let anymore destruction and misery come out of this?

She knew that she shouldn't be thinking about this yet; if it turned out that she did have HIV then her decision would have been made for her; there was no way she could subject a child to that.

"I could love you." She whispered, slightly unaware of herself, moving her hand across her stomach, "I want to love you…" she looked away, already doubting herself.

She felt almost as helpless as she had back in Grayson's bedroom. Her recollection of that time was still so strong, as though it had only happened the day before. '_What happened to your mind suppressing bad memories?' _she asked herself.

If she ever managed to fall asleep in the first place, her dreams would consist only of memories from that day. The smell of him would fill her nose, the sweet sickly aftershave mixed with sweat and alcohol. She'd see his face pressed against her body. She'd feel his weight on top of her and she would wake up screaming.

"I just want to feel normal again!" she cried to no one in particular,

*****

"What the hell did you go and do that for?!" Harry had burst through the door and had practically launched himself onto Nikki, wrapping his arms around her. Leo had rang him the night before to tell her that she was safe, but he was under strict instruction not to come to Leo's house until the next morning.

"Get off me! Harry, get off!" she wriggled beneath him, pushing him off her.

"Sorry." He stood up, "I was so worried about you Niks. You just ran away into the night. It was tipping it down Nikki! You didn't have your coat, you left the car behind."

"I was fine." She said through gritted teeth, getting annoyed with his fussing.

"You came down with hypothermia Nikki, you're lucky it didn't do you any serious harm." Leo came into the conversation.

"But I'm fine now." She said sharply.

Harry sighed, "What's all of this about Niks?"

She laughed in disbelief, "What's all this about?!" she stood up and started pacing the room, "Oh I don't know, maybe it's about the rape? Or the possibility of having HIV? Or it could possibly be about the fact that there's a fucking baby inside of me!" she sat back down feeling dizzy, "I just need you to… I don't know what I need!"

"I want to help you Niks!" Harry sat on the floor before her, clasping her hands.

"You want me to get rid of the baby!" she cried, barely able to look at him,

He reached up and wiped a cluster of tears away from her cheek, "I want what's best for you, and I'm sorry, but I think that's terminating your pregnancy."

"But it's not just a pregnancy is it? It's a baby! It's a baby with fingers and toes and a heartbeat."

"It's not a baby yet Ni-"

"Oh shut up Harry! Yes, I know it's not technically a baby yet, but it's part of me! This could be my last chance Harry!" she cried.

"For goodness sake Nikki, you're thirty-four years old! There's plenty of time for you to have another baby." He argued

"Oh yes? With who exactly? It'll be months, years even before I could even think about getting close to someone. With the way I am right now and with the kind of guys I usually attract, I don't think there'll be anyone who I could share something like this with in the next ten years. And who's to say that anyone would want me after this?"

Harry stood up angrily, "Don't be so ridiculous Nikki! You don't have to be so self deprecating! Of course men will want you, they'd be mad not to… you can't see what's staring you in the face, can you?"

Nikki was shocked at this outburst. She couldn't believe that her closest friend would turn on her like this. She noticed that Leo had made a swift and silent exit… she felt alone, "I don't know what you mean Harry."

He laughed, "Nikki… Nikki I love you!"

She gave him a confused look, "And I love you too, but I-"

"No Nikki, I _love _you… I really love you… can't you see that?"

Wide-eyed and open mouthed, she stared up at him, "What?!"

"I would do _anything_ for you, anything that would make you happy. I couldn't live without you, I couldn't begin to comprehend what life without you might be like… it wouldn't be worth living, I-"

"Will you just shut up Harry!" She demanded, unable to quite believe what she was hearing. Harry hadn't noticed how angry she had grown, "How dare you?!" she said slowly with such a terrifying air of rage and bewilderment, "How dare you do this? What… what gives you the right to put this upon me? Do you know how much crap I'm having to deal with at the moment? My head won't stay still for a second!"

Harry moved towards her, holding his hand out to touch her arm, "I understand Niks, I know what you're going through."

She laughed incredulously, "What?! You don't know the first thing about what I'm _really_ going through! You can't do, because if you did then you wouldn't be doing this to me right now!"

"Nikki… I'm sorry."

"What did you expect? What did you want me to do? Because I think you're intelligent enough to know that I wasn't just going to come running into you open arms and live happily ever after with you, killing my child along the way." There was a long silence. Nikki turned to look out of the window. She saw her own reflection and sighed… she decided that the way she looked probably did reflect the way she felt, "I can't even look at you right now Harry. I want you to move out of my apartment… today please."

She walked out of the room, trying to avoiding making eye contact with Harry. She broke out into a desperate run, hoping that Harry wouldn't see her. She ran up the stairs and collapsed onto the bed in the spare room in floods of tears.

Leo, who had been listening to everything from the kitchen, joined Harry in the living room after making sure that Janet had gone to comfort Nikki, "Are you okay?"

Harry shrugged, sitting down on the sofa, "She was right… what exactly did I expect to happen? I know that she's in terrible place right now… she's worse than I thought she was… how could I get it so wrong Leo?!"

"She'll come around eventually Harry." He knew that it was difficult to see a way out of this desperate situation

"Will she?" Harry asked doubtfully, "Or have I just messed everything up between us forever?"

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**... So what do you think of that then? I know it didn't happen the way that most fans would want it to, but I didn't think it'd be realistic for them to get together at this stage with Nikki's current state of mind.**

**On a side note, would any of you happen to know where I can watch 'Fallen Angel', the 2007 series starring Emilia Fox? If you do please PM me; I'd be eternally grateful! It's proving to be quite hard to find as there have been many tv programmes and movies with the same name.  
**

**Thanks! **


	12. Incapable of Loving

**Yo! :P**

**You have Nicky aka PixieHead to thank for getting two chapters in two days (I wish I could be as efficient as Amy aka Saffiya Scarlett with my fics!)! So thank you to Saffiya Scarlett, PixieHead, Silver-Ashes, langfieldl and Caramelchan for reviewing!**

**This chapter's a mix of happiness (for once) and a bit of misery (but that goes without saying, doesn't it? ;P )! Enjoy!**

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**12. Incapable Of Loving  
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Two weeks passed and Harry heard nothing from Nikki. They were close to calling the police when Leo received a message from her, informing them that she was well and was taking a short holiday in South Africa and that she would remain there until her hospital appointment.

He was still staying in her apartment, waiting for her return. He knew that she would probably be annoyed to find him still living there when she had instructed him to leave, but he wanted to be there for her when she cam back and he needed to try and make things up to her.

He missed her.

*****

She knew that Harry would be there, of course she did. She couldn't face him before she knew whether she and her baby were safe or not.

She had tried not to think about the little life contained inside her womb… just thinking about it made her feel sick. She tried to deny it's existence, but it was impossible. She knew that she had already formed an emotional attachment to it, and no matter how much she willed it to go away, she knew that it never would.

And then there was Harry. The more she thought about him, the more she hated him for doing this to her. Her mind had been a mess for three months and she couldn't see a way out, though a month ago she really could see the light. Why did he have to do it?! _I'm incapable of loving_ she told herself.

*****

She sat in the doctor's waiting room in the HIV clinic, waiting for the results. She had been sat there for two hours already, just staring at the wall. A nurse came over to her at one point, suggesting that she should do something to keep her mind occupied and pass away the time, but she received no response.

"Nikki?" a familiar face appeared around the corner.

She looked up and sighed; this was the last person she wanted to see, "I told Leo not to tell anyone."

Harry sat down beside her, "He couldn't get away from work."

"I didn't want him here anyway. I didn't want anyone here."

He looked at her tired brown eyes, her messy blonde hair and her slightly tanned skin, "He didn't think you should be alone." He reached over to tuck a stray hair behind her ear.

"What the hell do you think you're playing at?" she asked, still remaining calm and rather monotone.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry Nikki, for everything."

She turned away from him and started staring back at that spot on the wall, "Just stop talking Harry."

He looked nervously around the waiting room, "Did they say how long it would be?"

"About another hour or so." She said, thankful of this; she knew that in some clinics it could take days and she really couldn't wait any longer.

"That's… good. How have you been?" he asked.

"Fine." She stated, and there the conversation ended.

It wasn't until the doctor stood before them that either of them seemed to give anything their attention, "Doctor Alexander? Would you like to come through?"

She took a nervous deep breath, "Yes."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Harry asked.

She wanted to say no, but she knew that she'd need some support should things… not go to plan, "Okay." She couldn't quite manage say more than one word at a time.

They followed the doctor through to his room and sat in the chairs beside her desk. It seemed to take an age for Dr Cartwright to look through her notes, an age in which Harry felt Nikki get more and more anxious.

"Well Doctor Alexander, we've had the results of the tests back from the lab and I am incredibly pleased to tell you that they have come back negative."  
A wide smile spread across Harry's face as Nikki tried to stop herself bursting into relieved tears. He instinctively went to hug her, and to his surprise she reciprocated. He now knew that everything really was going to be okay.

He knelt on the floor before her and clasped her face in his hands, "I told you that everything was going to be alright."

She grinned, momentarily forgetting his declaration of love, "Maybe now I can just get on with my life!"

"It'll just be you and me." He kissed her forehead.

She didn't quite take in his last comment, "Now the only sickness I'll have to deal with is morning sickness!"

"What?" Harry brought his head back and looked into her eyes, "You're keeping it?"

She thought for a second, then nodded, "I think so, yes. Why?"

"I… Niks." He didn't want to put his foot in it again, but he knew that he would probably have to, "Do you really think that's wise? Will you ever be able to truly recover if you have his baby?"

Dr Cartwright stood up and moved to the door, "I'll give you five minutes, shall I?"

Nikki nodded, "Thank you doctor." She hadn't taken her eyes off Harry, "It's not _his_ baby, it's mine." All signs of euphoria disappeared from her face almost as quickly as they had appeared there in the first place, "What did you mean by _just you and me_?"

"I thought… I thought that the only thing stopping you from showing your feelings towards me was the pregnancy and the test."

She stood up, "Who says I have any feelings towards you?!"

"But I thought… Niks, I'm sorry!" He knew that, once again, he had blown everything between them.

"Well sorry isn't good enough!" Her voice rose very quickly, "You keep assuming things!" she sank down to the floor, clutching her head in her hands, "You've got to stop assuming things!" she cried.

Harry didn't know what to do or say, though he realised that it would be difficult to make this situation any worse, "Can I do anything to try and make this up to you?"

"Just stay away from me Harry." She whispered.


	13. Dealing With It

**Hey! How's everyone today then? =)**

**Firstly, pimpage! Yesterday a wonderful fic was finished and another wonderful fic was started! So peoples, if you haven't already, go and read Saffiya Scarlett's 'Dust to Dust' and PixieHead's 'Where's My Mind?' =D  
**

**Thank you to PixieHead, Saffiya Scarlett, Langfieldl, Caramelchan and Lilypad1 for reviewing!! =)**

**Just a quick warning (though I've forgotten to warn you in the past.. whoops!) there a naughty word in this chapter =P Enjoy!!**

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**13. Dealing With It  
**

Once again Harry was back in Nikki's flat, waiting for her to return home, terrified about what state she'd be in when she eventually did walk back through the front door.

He was just about to give up and go to bed when the door was flung open by a rather drunk Nikki who was arm in arm with a not quite so drunk man in his mid twenties. She lent in to snog him when Harry interrupted them.

"What the hell do you think you're playing at Nikki?!" It wasn't like she'd never done this before, but she hadn't even been near a man since the attack, never mind this.

"You can't dictate to me what I can and can't do." She sung with a big drunken smile on her face.

"Niks-" it was too late, she had already dragged guy who probably thought that all his Christmases had come at once through to her room.

*****

"What was all that about?" Harry asked her when she emerged from her bedroom the next morning.

She ignored him; she was clearly ashamed and embarrassed, but she'd be damned if she'd admit that to him. She started making her breakfast, "Will you pass me the milk please?"

"If you're really intending to keep this child, do you really think that last night was the best idea? Nikki, you were plastered!" he folded his arms, ignoring her request.

She couldn't look him in the eyes, "I really don't think that's any of your-"

"And are you trying to get HIV for real or something?" He asked angrily.

"Why don't you just-"

"And do you even remember his name?"

"WILL YOU JUST PASS ME THE FUCKING MILK?!" she screamed at him.

Reluctantly he opened the fridge and gave her the bottle, "I'm just trying to look out for you Nikki."

"Well just don't, please. I've had enough of people trying to look after me." She sat down at the breakfast bar, "And his name's Brad."

"_Brad_?" Harry raised his eyebrows, "And will we be seeing Brad again?"

"Just leave me alone Harry." She plunged her spoon into her bowl of cornflakes, "I want you to leave. Today."

A sleepy figure emerged from Nikki's room, "Becky?"

"It's Nikki." She sighed.

*****

At work things were, to say the least, strained between Nikki and Harry. They didn't talk unless it was absolutely necessary and try tried their best to stay out of each other's ways. Harry knew that he was partly to blame, but he was angry with Nikki for being like this; he had only tried to do what he thought was right.

"It's my fault that she's gone into self-destruct!" He was exasperated. He was sat in Leo's office, telling him about the events of the night before. He hadn't directly told Leo what had happened between Nikki and himself, but it wasn't exactly hard to guess.

"No Harry, you and I… all three of us know that it's Grayson's fault." Leo didn't know what to do. He was scared for Nikki and he had only in the last three months realised just how much he cared for her.

"And he's still out there… I've been watching her flat; she's been coming home with a different bloke every night. What if she bumped into him one night?" it had been seven days since Nikki threw Harry out and there had been seven different men following her home at night, most of them just as drunk as she was, "She's going to get herself hurt again."

"I'll have a chat with her later." Leo hoped that Nikki wouldn't try to push him away too.

*****

Leo spent the whole day looking for an opportunity to confront Nikki. He didn't want to make things any worse than they already were, but something needed to be said.

He found Nikki performing a PM for what looked like a relatively straight forward case. He knew that it wasn't exactly ideal to have these kinds of chats whilst sifting through the stomach contents of a sixty one year old man, but the end of the day was fast approaching and Leo knew that he would just have to bite the bullet,

"Nikki, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something." He was aware that other people in the room were listening; their colleagues knew that something big had happened, something bad enough to push her further along the downwards spiral.

She looked up, "I'm kind of in the middle of something right now Leo."

"This is important. Things haven't been good for you these past few days Nikki." He watched her carry on with her work.

"What's Harry been saying? Things have been fine, I haven't got HIV- I couldn't be happier! No more antiretrovirals!" She faked a grin.

"And that's wonderful Nikki, it really is, but we've all noticed it; you're coming in tired and hung-over, you won't go anywhere near Harry. And there are _other things_ to think about Nikki." Nobody else knew about the baby, and he knew that she'd want it to stay that way.

She glared at him, "I don't need a lecture Leo."

"When you're done with this will you meet me in my office?" he asked, knowing that they needed to discuss these private matters away from prying eyes and ears.

She nodded reluctantly, "Yes."

*****

"You're going to have to think about things soon Nikki; you're nearly fifteen weeks pregnant and you're starting to show." Leo sat next to Nikki on the sofa in his office.

She nodded, looking down at the floor, "The buttons on my trousers and on one of my blouses keep popping open." She smiled. She had taken to wearing baggier clothes lately, knowing that it would be hard to disguise the baby as fat for much longer.

"Are you keeping it?" Leo asked.

She shrugged, "I don't know… I think so."

"Don't just keep it to defy Harry; you have to do what's right for you. And what's right for you certainly isn't going out and getting drunk every night and bringing home some strange guy." He put his arm around her supportively.

"I know." She whispered, starting to cry, "But at the moment it's the only way that I can deal with this."

"But you're not dealing with it are you? Are you still taking your anti depressants?" he asked.

She shook her head, "I forgot to take them with me to South Africa… I haven't taken them since, but I don't need them."

Leo knew that she didn't really believe that, "These aren't the actions of someone who's fine Nikki."

"I know. I need to get away from here." She stood up and faced the window, watching people come and go in the world outside.

"You can't just run away from your problems Nikki… for one thing, you'll have to take that baby with you, and you can't do anything about that unless you make some big decisions."

"I won't Leo; I'm going to do this properly. I don't exactly know how yet, but I know that I can't go on like this."


	14. Families

**Hey! Thank you to PixieHead, Caramelchan and langfieldl for reviewing!!**

**Just a short chapter this time... I thought it worked better this way =)**

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**14. Families  
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Nikki sat on a park bench, watching the world go by. There were families feeding the ducks, families going on bike rides, families sat having their lunch, families running around the play park… she was sick of families. She'd never really had one of her own; her mother died when she was young and the less said about her father the better, she'd never come close to marrying a guy, for some reason long-term relationships didn't seem to be 'her thing'. The closest things she'd had to a family in years was Leo and Harry, with Janet perhaps being a member of her new extended family. But various things had ruined that; she still looked towards Harry as a father figure, but things had changed between all of them.

"Nikki?" a voice came from behind her.

She looked around, "Oh, Gemma, hi!"

Her old friend sat beside her, "How are you? I heard that you've got the all clear. I've tried to get into contact with you, but…"

"Yeah, sorry, I haven't really been in a good place these past few weeks." She tucked her hair behind her ears.

"That's understandable. You look a lot better than when I last saw you." Gemma smiled.

"Well the last time you saw me you were treating my head injury the day after I'd been raped… I'm pretty glad that I look better now!" she hated remembering back to that time, even if it was something that she did very often.

"Yeah… how are you?" Gemma asked uncomfortably.

"I'm sorry about that… the truth is that I'm really struggling to cope." She bit her bottom lip, trying to prevent an outbreak of tears.

"I've heard that they've not found Grayson yet…But you have your friends to support you, don't you? What were there names? Leon and something?"

"Leo and Harry."

"That's it! You seemed very close to both of them, especially Harry. Did you have something going on with Harry?" She asked.

Suddenly Nikki broke down, "Oh God I'm sorry," she apologised between sobs, "You don't need to see this."

Gemma took a tissue out from the packet in her back and handed it to Nikki who took it gratefully, "I'm very happy to be your shoulder to cry on."

"It's too much for me to handle! Harry and I argued… I've pushed him away completely. I've been going out and getting ridiculously drunk, I've turned into a total slut and I'm… I'm well on the way to really hurting myself…" There was a pause. Nikki looked down at her slightly protruding stomach, "I remember when I used to smile. It's a morbid job I'm in, but we always found ways to laugh in almost any situation. Harry was great at cheering me up, making jokes that sometimes only I found funny… I've sucked that out of him."

"I'm sure that one day you'll have that back." Gemma remembered how, when they were junior doctors together, Nikki often came across as being fiercely intelligent, mature and rather dizzy at times. She was always one to have a laugh with.

"You really think so?" Nikki asked doubtfully. She ran her finger down her belly, "I'm pregnant."

Gemma gasped, "Nikki… how… how do you feel about that?"

"Do you know, you're the first one to actually ask me that? Not that I've told many people, just Harry and Leo and the occasional bartender. I don't know how I feel."

Gemma watched her absentmindedly rubbing her small bump. Working in obstetrics and gynaecology, she had come across similar situations before, "Are you sure about that?"

She shrugged, "Harry told me that I should get rid of it… I can tell that Leo thinks that my life would be easier without it, and it probably would…"

"But?" There was always a _but_.

"But I rarely take the easy path." She collected her thoughts for a moment, "I've been sat here for hours, watching families just… just being families, and I thought… I thought I could have that! I realised that I really could love this child regardless of how it was conceived."

"You really mean that?" Gemma asked, making sure.

Nikki nodded, "It's time to get my life sorted out, and this baby is part of my life. I've told Leo that I'm taking some more time off work… I've only been back there for a week, it's getting ridiculous! I don't want a fresh start, but I need to get away from everything that's old."

"There's a spare room at my place if you're interested?" Gemma offered.

"Oh I wasn't fishing for anything!"

"I know," Gemma smiled, "It's fine, I want you to move in with me for a bit, if it'll help get you better. It'll be like old times."

"That sounds… pretty great actually! Exactly what I need." She gave a smile, and she really meant it… something told her that things were going to be on the up from now on.


	15. Nearly Perfect

**A nice happy chapter for you today! The first bit's a bit... drabbly, but I think it's right for Nikki's current frame of mind =)  
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**A big thank you to PixieHead for being so damn wonderful! XD Thanks to Immortal Spud Thief and Saffiya Scarlett for being great (though they mostly review on LJ now, so I don't know if they'll read this) and cuddles to langfieldl, Caramelchan and again PixieHead for reviewing!**

**And I forgot to say last time that this is now my most reviewed fic, so thank you guys!!! =D**

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**15. Nearly Perfect  
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"…_I'm going to be staying with a friend for a bit Harry… You remember Gemma? Dr Ellison, she treated me when… well you know when. Anyway, I'm going to get myself sorted out…I wasn't able to do that before when you were looking after me…I know you were trying to help… I don't know if I would have gotten through the last few months without you, but I need to look forward now, I can't stay stuck in that rut of self pity and misery…Look, I don't know if any of that made any sense, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm safe. And you need to know that I'm keeping the baby…I know it's not what you'd have wanted, but I truly believe that I'm doing what's right for me. I'm having my first ultrasound today! I'm so nervous and excited…I wish you could be there Harry, but you can't, not under these circumstances. I know you'd pretend to be happy with my decision, but I'd be able to see it in your eyes. _

_This goodbye isn't forever Harry. I promise you that."_

Harry stared at his phone, his eyes full of regret. He replayed the answer machine message and brought the phone back up to his ear.

Leo came up to him. The look on his colleagues face told him everything he needed to know, "Nikki?"

Harry nodded, "She's… gone. But you know that already."

"She… she came around to mine last night." He said almost apologetically, "She misses you."

"Yeah. She's decided to keep the baby?" He considered whether his biggest mistake was telling her that he loved her or telling her to get rid of her baby.

"Yes." There was a strange, uncomfortable look on Leo's face.

"What is it?" Harry asked, concerned that something might be wrong.

"She's asked me to go with her to her first scan today." Secretly he felt incredibly honoured, but he knew that it should be Harry sat there with her.

Harry thought for a moment, "Well at least one of us is there with her." They were both holding back for each others sake. And for Nikki's.

*****

Nikki was a little apprehensive about living with Gemma. So much had changed in the nine years or so since Nikki last spent any time with her; Nikki had fallen in love with anthropology and had done a degree in that before deciding that she actually preferred pathology whilst Gemma had gotten married, had a kid and had also gotten a divorce.

"You'll be okay with Polly won't you? She's a great kid." Gemma led Nikki to her front door, carrying some of her suitcases for her.

"Sure. No offense, but I really can't imagine you as a mother! You were always the party animal when we were younger." Nikki grinned, remembering better times. She had always been painfully shy and would feel ridiculously uncomfortable at clubs and parties (until she'd had a few glasses of red wine of course), but Gemma always managed to make her have fun.

"To be honest, six years ago I couldn't either, but when I set eyes on my little girl... It just felt like my life was complete. I'm sure it'll be the same for you Niks." She opened the door and showed her through to the living room.

"Let's hope so!" she was terrified about that afternoon when she would look at her baby for the first time.

*****

"She's beautiful." Nikki whispered, a happy tear in her eye.

"She?" the sonographer asked, "You want a girl?"

Nikki shrugged, "I think it would be easier if it is… I mean, there would be less chance of me seeing _him _in her then."

The sonographer, Rachel, looked at Leo who was absentmindedly staring at the screen, "Oh so you're not the father then?"

Nikki and Leo both spluttered simultaneously before she started to giggle and he just sat open mouthed.

"Sorry." Rachel knew she'd put her foot in it again. It was a habit that she really needed to get out of!

"That's okay." Nikki grinned, "I… I was raped. It took me a while to decide whether I wanted to keep the baby which is why I'm here a few weeks later than perhaps I should be."

"I'm sorry." Rachel had read about the HIV scare in her notes and had put the lateness of the ultrasound down to that, "Yes, your baby looks a very good size for fifteen weeks." She smiled after taking the measurements, "By the looks of things you have a perfectly healthy baby."

Nikki couldn't take her eyes off the screen, "I remember when I was a little girl… my mother showed me her ultrasound picture from when she was pregnant with me… I thought it just looked like a random blob, I couldn't quite believe that I ever one looked anything like that picture!"

"Ahh yes, we were all random blobs once upon a time." Rachel smiled, "If you like, I can tell you what sex the baby is."

Nikki's lips parted a little and she was unsure of what words would come out of them, "I… you… yes please." She clutched Leo's hand in anticipation.

"Well we can't be 100% sure, but I do have a pretty good view here and it certainly looks as though you're having a baby girl."

Nikki laughed, "That's amaz- a girl? My daughter!" she couldn't quite believe it; suddenly it had all become so much more real. She would have been more than happy with a boy, of course she would, but a baby girl just made things that little bit easier.

A silent tear dripped off the end of Leo's nose, "Nikki, I'm… I'm so happy for you."

She looked at her emotional friend, "Oh Leo!" she giggled, "This is so very nearly perfect!"

To hear Nikki giggle was the most refreshing and beautiful sound to Leo's ears, though the 'nearly' stood out for him; _It would be perfect if Harry were here, _"Come back to us Nikki." He blurted out despite himself.

She shook her head calmly, still in a serene mood, "For the first time in so long I feel ridiculously happy, but that isn't to say I won't still have low moments… I'm just not ready yet Leo… I'm not sure if I'd be able to deal with Harry properly yet, not knowing how he feels… I just need too concentrate on my and my daughter for a while. As soon as I believe I'm psychologically in a good enough place to come back, I promise I will." she lovingly looked into Leo's eyes, "We'll all be happy one day Leo; you, me, Harry, Janet and my baby girl."

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**Yeay for cuteness! =P**

**Remember, reviews make me write faster =D**


	16. Time To Make Up

**Hey! Sorry that this has taken a while! **

**Thank you to Elynara, PixieHead, langfieldl and Caramelchan!! You're all fantastic! =D**

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**16. Time To Make Up  
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The next two months went by strangely; Harry had regained his occasionally comedic outlook on slightly dark situations, though without Nikki to share his banter with, he found that rather pointless. He stayed alone in his own apartment, not seeing his friends or meeting girls. He knew that he might have to get over Nikki at some point, but he wasn't prepared to do that just yet. He and Nikki didn't really have much contact with each other; Leo acted as a bit of a go between, but not in an uncomfortable way as they had all grown to accept that to get over what had happened to her, Nikki needed to do certain things that didn't include Harry.

Nikki had grown as a person in more ways than one. She was enjoying being pregnant (though she was annoyed that she was among the unlucky minority of pregnant women who still had to cope with morning sickness well into their second trimester) and she now looked forward to the future more than ever before. She saw her life in a few years time and it was happy, and she couldn't really ask for anything more than that. There was one thing missing though.

She had found that she was quite good with children; she hadn't been working so she had been acting as Gemma's live-in nanny and she discovered that she actually quite enjoyed it, something that at first she hadn't expected. _'But then again,'_ she thought one day, _'Harry was always a bit of a big kid!'_

She enjoyed having a girlfriend again; she had been able to talk to Harry about a lot of things, but there were some more intimate (or just too girly) matters that he had drawn the line at. Over the last few years Nikki had found that she had less and less time for friends outside of work; it was too much effort to keep in touch with everyone, plus there was nobody whose company she enjoyed more than Harry's. She really did miss Harry, but she recognised that this time apart from him was doing exactly what it was supposed to do.

Gemma saw that look in her eyes, the one that told her that her friend had gone past the point at which staying away from her old life was no longer benefitting her. She had enjoyed living with her old friend so much, but she was sure that they'd continue to have girly nights even when Nikki was living back in her old flat. Neither of them had really thought that Nikki would still be living there when the baby was born, and there had to come a point where she revisited everything that was good about her life before, "You should phone him." Gemma told her friend one day.

Nikki was in the middle of playing a game of snakes and ladders with Polly whilst Gemma was ironing her daughter's school uniform for the next day; it was just another normal evening, "Phone who?"

"Harry." It had taken a long time for Nikki to talk to her about Harry; there were a lot of raw and difficult emotions involved and Nikki to this date remained confused about him. Gemma knew that Nikki loved him though and, romantically or otherwise, they were obviously meant to be together. The look on Nikki's face when she recounted past experiences with him told her that.

"I… I don't know…" Nikki was scared about seeing him again; she had never gone for so long without speaking to him before… in fact, the longest they had ever been apart since they met six years ago was just three weeks. What if he'd changed? What if his feelings towards her had changed so violently that he didn't want to see her again? In her more repaired state of mind, she might now be able to deal with a Harry who loved her, but a Harry who hated her would just be unbearable.

"If you leave it for too long Niks you may never speak to him again," she didn't want Nikki to lose this beautiful friendship, "Weeks have already turned into months…"

Nikki sighed, "You're right… but I'm scared."

"What are you scared about Nikki?" Polly asked feeling a little annoyed that she wasn't a part of this conversation, "Was this Harry person not very nice to you? I don't like anybody who's not nice to you Nikki." She declared.

Nikki smiled, "Harry's an old friend of mine… he wasn't mean to me, but we fell out for a while and your mummy thinks it's probably time for us to make up again."

"Well my mummy's usually right." She said before a frown spread across her face she realised that she was about to land on a snake that would take her back to the bottom of the grid.

Nikki laughed, "Is she now?" She rolled two sixes which took her up a ladder and into box ninety-nine on the snakes and ladders grid. She rolled again, "I guess this means I've won?"

"And I guess that means you should phone Harry!" Gemma smiled, "Considering the fact that I'm always right of course."

Nikki raised her finger, "Ah! Actually, I think you'll find she said 'usually'." She took her tongue out.

Gemma smiled; Nikki was such a different person to the one that she had found sat on a park bench just over two months ago; she was now a woman with a real and bright future ahead of her.

*****

It had taken Nikki over two hours to pluck up the courage to even go near the phone. For a while she just sat in the armchair and stared at _it 'No major commitments'_, she told herself, '_You're phoning him for a chat, you're not moving back in with him'_. But she knew that this would mean more than just a chat to them.

With a deep breath she picked up the phone and started to slowly dial the numbers, _'What if he's not in?' _

The phone was answered before she had chance to think about what she might do in that situation, "Hello?"

"Harry… Hi."

She could hear his breath down the phone, "Nikki_?!_"

"Yeah… I've… How have you been?" she noticed her hand shaking.

He coughed, "I, yeah… good! I've been good. You?"

"Yeah, yeah me too." She sighed, _'Well this isn't uncomfortable!'_

The was a short silence, "How's… How's the baby?"

"This isn't getting us anywhere; do you want to meet up somewhere?" Nikki asked, feeling suddenly quite brave.

She heard a relieved laugh coming from the other end of the phone, "I thought you'd never ask!"


	17. Forgotten

**Hey! Sorry for the wait; I'm afraid that now my GCSE exams are starting, chapters may be a little infrequent as I have less time for writing. =(  
**

**Big hugs for PixieHead, sorry for worrying you! I'm not dead! Yeay! Hugs also to Caramelchan, langfieldl, dinabar and Slayergirl! I'm so glad that you're all enjoying it!! **

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**17. Forgotten  
**

Harry waited on the benches, looking out over the lake, feeling both nervous and tranquil underneath the mid-spring sun. He noticed a familiar face walking towards him from the playground.

He stood up to greet her. The rather large baby bump phased him a little; she was only five months pregnant, but on Nikki's slender frame she just looked enormous, "Niks!"

Nikki had been unsure of what she would do at this point, but she just followed her instincts and wrapped her arms around her dearest friend, "I've missed you so much!"

He smiled down at her, "Right back at you." No words could really cover how happy he was feeling right now, "You look fantastic!"

She held her protruding belly as she sat down on the bench. She smiled when she realised that he had chosen the same bench that she had met Gemma at two months ago, "I… I look fat!"

He sat down beside her and put his arms around her, hoping that he wasn't pushing it, "You're always so self-depreciating! You're glowing."

She had forgotten how nice it was to be so close to him, "That's probably sweat from being sick all of the time! And I wasn't self-depreciating, I just wasn't cocky like you!" she laughed.

"Hey!" He laughed defensively, "There's a difference between confident and cocky!"

"And it's a very fine line." She rested her head against his shoulder, "I'm just joking Harry."

He looked down at her serene face, "I know." This was just perfect; he could stay here like this forever.

She twitched a little, "Ouch!" she moved her hand to her bump

Harry very suddenly went into panic mode, "What's happened? Is it the baby?"

"No, she just kicked my bladder." She grinned at Harry's sudden flap, "Do you want to feel?" before he could answer she pulled his hand towards her and placed it on the bottom-left hand side of her bump.

Harry gasped as he felt the little flutters beneath her skin (though he was sure that they felt like more than just little flutters to Nikki!), "That's amazing! Does she kick a lot?"

Nikki rolled her eyes, "The first thing my midwife said at my last appointment was what an active baby she is! I thought babies were supposed to settle to their mother's sleeping patterns by this stage…? Well she obviously didn't get that memo!"

"Have you thought of a name yet?" he asked, moving his hand away from her bump. He had forgotten how gorgeous she was.

She shrugged, "I've had one or two ideas, but I've not fallen in love with anything yet." She started to rub her bump

"How about Rosie?" It had always been a favourite of his mothers.

She smiled, "Lucy."

"Imogen." He suggested.

"Emily."

"Maddie."

"Phoebe."

"Zoe." Anyone walking past would have believed that Harry was the father.

"Laura."

"Effie."

She sat up, "Effie?!" she giggled, "Is that even a name?"

He still kept his arm around her, "You've never heard of anyone called Effie? It's short for Euphemia."

She laughed, "And you call me posh?!"

"Yeah, well, it doesn't have to be short for anything, "He shrugged, "It was my grandmother's name."

She cringed, "Sorry."

He shook his head, "It's fine Niks honestly… I've loved this so much."

Nikki looked over to the park, "Gemma and Polly are waiting for me, they'll be wanting to go soon."

"We'll do this again, yes?" Harry asked, knowing that he couldn't cope with losing her again.

She nodded, "Definitely." She began to wonder why she had worried so much about meeting him, "I was thinking… I had made my mind up that, if today went well, I would think about coming back to work."

If hearing Nikki's voice and laugh wasn't music to his ears, well this certainly was, "Really?"

"I don't want to rush into anything, but I think I might be ready to try it. I wouldn't say that I feel like the old Nikki again, because that would be like saying the rape never happened, but I'm not the same woman who was scared to leave the house, who spent everyday half-heartedly wishing that it would be her last."  
Harry recoiled, "You really felt that? I… I had no idea." He knew that things had been bad, that she really did need those antidepressants at some points, but he didn't know the extent of her emotions.

"It's hard to explain… I wasn't suicidal, I never tried to do anything, but I would have been quite happy if someone had told me that would drop dead in the next five minutes." She looked out over the lake, not wanting to make eye contact with Harry. She had spoken about this with Gemma, but that was so different. She didn't feel the guilt that she felt now.

"Why didn't you ever tell me about this?" He had thought that Nikki could talk to him about anything.

"You were doing so much for me emotionally; I didn't want to put anything more on you." Maybe things would have been different if she had told him? Maybe they wouldn't have had to spend so long apart, "You wouldn't have been able to do anything about it, it would have just hurt you unnecessarily."

"I'd take all of the pain in the world for you Nikki, you know that." He seemed genuinely hurt that she hadn't told him, "If misery for me took away even the tiniest bit for you, then it would be worth it."

She looked at him for the first time since she had began her confession, "But that doesn't change the fact that I didn't want my… suffering to be inflicted on you anymore than it already was." She realised that he was about to bring in 'the love thing' again, "But none of that matters now because I'm happy now. I managed to get better without bringing anyone else down… I know my being away must have hurt you, but that would have been nothing compared to what our lives would be like if I had stayed. And now I have to go Harry."

"Don't." He said simply, tears in his eyes. He had realised over the last two months that Nikki had never spoken to him about the actual attack or how she was really feeling about the prospect of having HIV, and now he knew why.

"I have to. But I'll see you soon. At work." She smiled as she stood up. With one last hug she was gone and once again Harry was left alone.

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**I hope you enjoyed it! =)**

**Remember, reviews make me happy! XD**


	18. You Could Be So Happy

**Hey all! Thank you to langfieldl, Slayergirl, Pearl sun, lilypad1 and the wonderful PixieHead for reviewing! =D**

**This chapter isn't exactly amazing, but I think the next one is better, so something to look forward to there =)**

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**18. You Could Be So Happy  
**

They stood side by side, working together for the first time in months. Of course it wasn't common practice to have two pathologists conducting one post mortem, but Nikki was feeling a little rusty after two months away.

"You should have more confidence in yourself Nikki; it hasn't been _that _long!" Leo had told her, but it would need a little more than that to reassure her. Nikki knew that the attack might have delayed effects, and it seemed that this was one of them. Returning to her old life was such a big step for her, she was just scared that it wouldn't want her back.

As she studied the abrasions on the corpse's legs her hand accidentally brushed past Harry's. She flinched a little and a look was passed between them, but after no more that one or two seconds, they go on with what they were doing.

Things were uncomfortable between the two of them, and she knew that it could take a long time to regain their old relationship, but working back with Harry felt like some kind of weight off her shoulders.

"Well I think the cause of death is." Harry took off his gloves off as Nikki did the same, "Do you think you could do the next one alone?" He asked encouragingly, "You're more than ready for it."

"Well I-" she quickly brought her hand to her mouth, "I think I'm going to be sick!" she sped out of the room.

"I'll go after her." Charlie followed her out of the cutting room.

Harry threw the gloves into the bin with a little too much vigour; she was happy being pregnant and it wasn't a constant reminder of what happened, but these little things made Harry so angry that Grayson was still hurting her now.

"What's going on?" Leo burst into the cutting room, thinking that Harry might have said something that had upset Nikki again.

"Morning sickness I think. I didn't know that she was still suffering from it." He covered the corpse with the cloth.

"Yeah, she's had it quite bad." Leo had found it quite difficult to be stood between Harry and Nikki over the last few months; He had always been close to Nikki, but his relationship with her was nothing like Harry's, and it didn't feel right that he should now be closer to her than his younger colleague, but then it meant the world to him that Nikki hadn't pushed him away too.

*****

Charlie walked up behind Nikki who was currently undergoing her daily routine of throwing up her breakfast, "Are you okay?"

Nikki flushed the toilet, "Yeah. I'm quite proud that I managed to make it to the toilet actually! It'll probably happen again in a few hours time." She went over to the sink, filling her hands with water and throwing it over her face with a sigh.

"My mum had morning sickness all the way through her pregnancy when she was having me. She said it was worth it." Charlie offered.

Nikki laughed, "I'm sure it was!"

"It's good to have you back Dr Alexander; it's not been the same without you." She grinned.

"Thanks!" Nikki lent back against the sinks wincing, "Madam's kicking my bladder." She explained before turning back towards her colleague, "How's Harry been? I asked Leo, but I could tell he wasn't telling me the whole truth."

"He's… he's not been himself. I mean, he's been getting better, but there's obviously been something missing." She didn't need to tell her what that thing was.

Nikki nodded, "I think it's done both of us the world of good; we couldn't have gone on like that… he knew that too."

Charlie raised her eyebrows, "You're sure of that?"

*****

Harry sat at the bar, staring down at the beer mat, wanting to drink himself into an oblivion. Things should be different now; she was back, things should have been getting back to normal, but they weren't. No one could deny the fact that things were strained between them.

He took a large swig of whisky, and wondered what his father would think of him now. He tried not to think about his dad too much, but sometimes he couldn't help it. _'Wallowing in self pity? How's that going to help?' _he could hear him saying. He had said that a lot (not that a young Harry really understood the phrase) which seemed fairly ironic considering his demise.

"Harry?" a pleasant voice came from behind him.

He turned around and saw a vision of beauty, '_My drink-addled mind comes up with the cheesiest things,' _he thought_,_ "Niks?"

"Leo told me you'd be here." Nikki told him sadly They stared at each other for a moment with no words passing between them. Her teary eyes bore into his and she felt such guilt, "This is my fault. If you had never met me, you could be so happy right now." He went to say something in response, but she stopped him by bringing her gentle hand to his mouth, "But I am so unbelievably glad that you did meet me Harry Cunningham, and I don't care how selfish that is. I have missed you so much Harry." She wrapped her arms around him, not wanting to ever let go.

Harry reciprocated, which was easier said than done due to the large bump that sat between them, and he felt a joy that was a long time coming, "I've been lost without you Nikki."

"That's so corny!" She laughed with a tear in her eye, still attached to him, "Don't ever change." She whispered.

"Will you move back in with me Nikki?" he breathed in her perfume, the smell of her shampoo, and the scent of everything that was Nikki.

"On one condition," this was everything she wanted at this moment, but she knew that he still wanted more, "That you can cope with not having an… an intimate relationship with me, because I've only just gotten to a place where I can deal with everything that's happened over the last few months and the only new thing that I can cope with is my daughter."

"I understand completely… having a non-romantic relationship with you is much better than having no relationship at all… and I just want what's best for you Nikki, for you and your child." He gently kissed her forehead, "Now, shall we go back to my place?"

Nikki pulled away from the embrace, giving Harry a funny look before they both burst out laughing, "Uhm, okay!" she giggled.

"I didn't mean it like that!" he stated the obvious.

"Let's just go home Harry, I'll pick up my stuff from Gemma's in the morning." She pulled him up from the bar stool and wrapped his arm around her, pulling him out of the pub. She looked back at the empty glasses that were sat on the before the stool that had been previously occupied by Harry, "I guess I'll be driving then?"

"Oh the things you push me to!" he laughed, referring to the alcohol.

Nikki stopped and turned to look at him, "Please don't even joke about something like that… I feel guilty enough as it is. Am I being selfish, getting so close to you again? I know I'm not leading you on, but-"

"Nikki, you need to forget about all of that. I'm just glad that you're here with me again. I'm just glad that you've recovered." Once again, he kissed her forehead.

"I'm not quite there yet Harry," she rubbed her bump, "But now I know that one day I will be." She smiled, finally feeling content with the world


	19. Keep You Safe

**Hola! Thank you to PixieHead, Saffiya Scarlett, Caramelchan, lilypad1 and langfieldl *hugs you all* *Extra hugs for Nicky and Amy* XD**

**Warning... it's a bit cutsie at the end =P**

**Sorry for shortness**!

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**19. Keep You Safe  
**

Anyone who came across Harry and Nikki knew that they were happy. In fact, most would think that they were a loving couple, growing excited and anxious about the birth of their first child.

They had spent days moving Harry's things into Nikki's apartment (Harry had wanted them to stay living at his place, but Nikki argued that it was big and empty and 'not nearly homely enough'. Harry eventually gave in, agreeing that is apartment should probably remain a bachelor pad but for someone else). Harry spent his days off painting the spare room, refusing to let Nikki help as 'the fumes might harm the baby'.

In the evenings they lay in front of the television watching crappy old movies, a large bowl of whatever Nikki was currently craving (more recently it had been a, in Nikki's opinion, 'delightful' salad mainly comprised of pickled gherkins and jelly tots, dressed with chocolate sauce) balanced on her bump, lay in each other's arms. Harry would into her eyes as she sat glued to the television and he would see happiness and contentedness.

Of course Nikki was frightened and apprehensive and she had a right to be, even more so than any other expectant mother, but Harry kept her sane, Harry kept her safe.

What wasn't keeping her sane though was the fact that she wasn't allowed to do any field work. Even the amount of lab work she could do was becoming increasingly limited due to her growing bump. She had been back for a couple of months now an she struggled to understand how she had survived the last few months not working. Polly had kept her busy for a lot of the time she considered. Soon she would have her own child to keep her hands full.

Of course in theory she wanted to be busy, and she hated being stuck at home watching daytime television or restricted to doing paperwork in the office, but lethargy was definitely kicking in and she wondered whether she'd be able to cope with doing much more; though she wanted to be at work, it was an effort to get there and to stay awake throughout the day. Lugging around a seven month old bump was more effort than she thought it would be, though she reminded herself that things would be a lot tougher once the baby was born. Her own mother had worked all the way through her pregnancy in sweltering South African heats, but she supposed that hormones had affected them in different ways. Plus the baby was keeping her awake through the night, finding great pleasure in kicking the most accessible of her mother's internal organs.

She sat back in Harry's chair, trying to move into a comfortable position. She propped her legs up on his desk, knocking off a bunch of papers in the process. She dismissed them from her mind quickly; '_If I have to put up with all of this, he can pick up a few papers.'_ She smiled at the memory of Harry's face when Leo told him that Nikki could sit at his desk, "Harry, you clearly have the most comfortable chair, you'll have to let Nikki use it once in a while!" She had half expected him to reply, "But Daaad!"

"Hey gorgeous." Harry walked over to her, kissing her on the head, picking up the papers without comment, much to Nikki's surprise.

"Hey." She smiled.

"Are you going to do _any_ work today?" he asked, his eyebrows raised.

She gave his leg a friendly slap, "I'll have you know that I am now completely up to date with all of my paperwork!"

"That's a first!" He laughed jokily.

"Oh yeah, like you can say the same? Now go and make me a cup of tea." She commanded, enjoying whatever minor powers her position was giving her.

She giggled as he did a mock salute before doing what he was told. She loved him, plain and simple, and she always had done, but whenever she so much as thought about acting upon her feelings, she clammed up and it felt like she had gone back in time by seven months.

"_Seven months," _she thought solemnly, _"Seven months since this all started, since my life changed forever." _ The baby gave a gentle kick, as though she was trying to remind her mother that something very good was coming out of the events of seven months ago, and that perhaps in many ways her life would be changing for the better.

She looked down at her bump, imagining that she could see her daughter inside of it. She heard Harry singing from the staff kitchen and the baby seemed to respond to this. She knew that she couldn't actually hear him, but the thought that her baby seemed to like him made her smile, "So what do you think of Harry then?" she whispered down at her bump, "Uncle Harry? But then we've got Uncle Leo as well… I don't think he's quite ready to be 'granddad' yet! I've not actually spoken to either of them about it yet. And then there's your real granddad… he doesn't even know that you exist yet… he has no idea about what's happened in the last seven months. Does he deserve to know? I mean, he is literally my only blood relative, but that doesn't mean that he's my only family." She rubbed her bump as the baby moved to kicking her bladder, "You're oblivious to all of this aren't you? Sometimes I wish it could stay that way, I wish you could just stay cocooned in my tummy so that I can keep you safe from the horrors of the world. I never want you to feel any pain, but I know that's going to be impossible. But I'll do my best, I promise you that."


	20. Better than Before

**Okay guys, so this is the penultimate chapter ='(**

**You might have got this last night, but I was too busy making Nicky a list of Kerry Ellis songs to listen to =P Lol, jokes, I had lots of fun making it and it put me in a better mood for writing! XD And you're still getting this chapter quicker than the last few =)  
**

**Thank you to PixieHead, Saffiya Scarlett, lilypad1 and Pearl Sun.**

**The last chapter is more or less done, so I'll probably be uploading it tomorrow!**

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**20. Better than Before  
**

Less than two months to go and Harry was counting down the days. He couldn't believe how excited he was getting about it, especially in retrospect to how he felt when Nikki had first told him of her pregnancy. He didn't know whether he'd love the child, and he didn't know how it would affect his relationship with Nikki, but he knew that it would make her more than happy.

Sometimes he would dream about the child when she was a little older and sometimes she would call him daddy. Then he'd wake up and feel completely freaked out.

He knew that he had a future with Nikki. He didn't know anything more specific than that, whether it would be platonic or romantic (though he was obviously holding out for the latter), but he knew that at the moment he was closer to her than ever before. He had fun with her again. With this new child, it was almost like he was growing up with her.

It had been decided that he would be Uncle Harry and that Leo would be Grandpa. He had seemed fairly taken a aback when Nikki had asked him and Janet to be Uncle and Aunty, but he had very quickly come back with "What about Grandpa?". Nikki had said that she would be honoured.

Harry stared up at his bedroom ceiling with these happy thoughts in his mind. A few months ago he would have thought of Nikki and frowned, but he was now smiling which told him that things were as they should be. Things were falling into place at last; after months of pain, anger and separation, things were beginning to be even better than they were before.

There was a knock at the door, "Harry, can I come in?" Nikki asked quietly

"Of course you can!" Harry laughed, wondering why she was sounding so timid.

The door slowly opened so reveal Nikki stood there in her nighty with her hand on the bump, tears trickling down her face.

Harry sat up sharply, "Niks what's wrong?"

"My… my waters have broken." She burst into noisy sobs. She fell into Harry's arms as he ran to her, "It's too early Harry."

"It's going to be fine Nikki, we need to get down to the car, okay." He kissed her on the forehead before dragging on his jeans and t-shirt which had been left strewn across the floor the evening before.

He held Nikki upright as they moved towards the front door of the apartment. Nikki stopped suddenly, clutching her stomach, "Argh it hurts Harry!" she was having her first contraction.

"I'm here Nikki." He clutched her hand, surprised at how calm he was managing to stay.

They slowly moved from the apartment, grabbing Nikki's jacket on the way, down the lift and into Harry's car. After Nikki's second contraction, Harry started to flap a little, finding it impossible to stick to the speed limit.

"I do actually want to make it into the hospital Harry!" She panted, "Crap this hurts!!"

*****

Harry practically ran through the hospital, pushing the writhing Nikki in a wheelchair.

"Nikki?" It was Gemma on her way up to see a patient, "What are you doing here? It's too early!"

"Yeah, well the baby seems to think differently!" Harry told her as they ran into a lift.

"I'm scared Gemma!" Nikki cried before starting another contraction.

Both Gemma and Harry knelt down beside her and held onto her hands, "You're in the best possible place here Nikki." Gemma smiled reassuringly, "We're going to take good care of you and your baby. I'll make sure of it."

"I want my dad!" she growled through the pain. After it subsided she looked up at Harry, "I know he's a loser and a bastard, but he's my dad. I mean, I want you here more than him, but-"

"But he's your dad." He stroked her cheek, "I'll try phoning him in a bit."

She pulled her phone out of her pocket, "His number's on there."

*****

"Nikki?" Came the voice on the other end of the phone, "Niks you haven't rung me in months! How are you?"

Harry scratched his head feeling uncomfortable, "Uhm, this is Harry Cunningham speaking, Nikki's colleague."

"I remember." Victor sounded a little confused, "Is Nikki okay?"

"She's… she's in hospital. I mean, she's fine… I don't think it's my place to say. She wants you to come down here though. She wants to see you."

*****

Nikki lay with a tear in her eye as the surgeon cut her open. Nikki had been in the hospital for sixteen hours now, and she was still only two centimetres dilated, the same as when she was brought in. The midwife had said that she's probably be in a similar position for the next sixteen hours and that they would almost certainly be offering her a cesarean then, so it was probably best to get it done sooner rather than later.

"It's going to be okay Nikki." Harry was still holding her hand, dressed in scrubs looking like he should be at work.

"I've lost count of the amount of times you've said that to me over the last seven and a half months." She tried her best to smile, "I should have told you."

"Told me what?" He asked.

She took a deep breath, trying not to concentrate on what was happening further down her body, though it was kind of difficult to ignore, "At work yesterday, I slipped on some… bodily fluids… when I was doing a PM… I'd been feeling pains since them, but I just ignored them… I didn't think-" She started to choke up.

"You can't blame yourself Niks… you always blame yourself!"

"And we have one baby girl!" the surgeon smiled as he lifted the tiny creature up and away to the side of the room where paediatrics were on standby.

Both Nikki and Harry had matching shocked looks on their faces, "Harry what's going on, what are they doing to her?"

"They're making sure that she's okay." He reassured her, not knowing what was happening himself.

"She's not crying! Harry I can't see!" it was impossible for her to move at all to look around at her daughter.

"They're… they're intubating I think. They're taking her away."

"Follow them then!" She cried. And she was left alone. Well there was a surgeon and scrub nurses and a midwife, but she still felt alone. After the surgeon finished closing her up, she was taken to recovery. Gemma and Leo were waiting for her in the corridor and followed her through. Nikki didn't even look at them.

They both sat by her bed, "Nikki, you know that there's a very good chance of survival, don't you?" Gemma asked. She got no response, "All of her organs are developed now."

"Her lungs aren't." She whispered, staring at a reproduction of Van Gogh's sunflowers on the opposite wall. She could hear babies crying and it made her want to join them.

"She's an Alexander; she's a fighter." Leo smiled down at her, feeling just as worried as she, but trying not to show it.

Nikki burst into tears, "I just want to hold her in my arms."

"You're tired Nikki, you should get some sleep." He stroked her hair, "We'll wake you up if anything changes."

"I'm not tired." She told them defiantly before attempting to break the world record for the longest yawn.

"Just get some sleep." He smiled.

*****

"She's beautiful." Harry whispered to himself, "You look just like your mummy."

"What, bald and wrinkly?" Gemma appeared behind him, "Don't let Nikki hear you say that!" She smiled, "She is beautiful though."

"She's perfect." Harry couldn't take his eyes off the tiny being in front of him. He'd never experienced anything quite like it. He loved this little girl and he would give his life for her. She'd been on this earth for less than an hour, but already he knew that. He didn't knew whether he could possibly love her any more if she was his own.

"I've spoken to the consultant, they think she's need assistance with her breathing for the next week or so, but everything's looking positive." Gemma smiled, putting her hand on his shoulder comfortingly, looking at the baby girl through the plastic incubator.

"How's Nikki? I should go down and see her." He didn't want to leave the baby though.

"Sleeping. You should probably leave her for a bit and stick with 'Baby Girl Alexander'. Has Nikki not said what she wants to call her?" Gemma found that she too couldn't take her eyes of the tiny child. It reminded her of when Polly was born.

He shook his head, "We talked about it a couple of months ago, but it's not really been mentioned since."

"Is Nikki's dad on his way?" She changed the subject remembering Harry's phone call nearly seventeen hours ago.

He nodded, "He's abroad, so he said it'll take him a while to get here. I probably should have told him what's going on; I just told him that she's in hospital and left it at that."

Gemma raised her eyebrows, "He must be going out of his mind with worry!"

"It'll be worth though, to see this little thing." He smiled down at the tiny girl, putting his hand through the window in the incubator and stroking her tiny, furry fist, "This beautiful little thing."

* * *

**So, do you think I'll be nice or nasty in the last chapter?**

**I'm afraid I do have a small track record of being very mean to my heroines (I was almost in tears when i finished writing my mulit-chapter Merlin fic! Well it was very late at night... ;D )!**


	21. The Final Chapter

**So here it is- the final chapter! **

**It's been a great couple of months; not only have I had great fun writing this, but I've also met some great people (Namely Nicky and Amy (Hey Nik- that all rhymed! =P )). As of this morning the fic now has 100 reviews which seems pretty crazy, so thank you to everyone who has contributed towards that, especially Caramelchan (I'm sorry I don't know your real name) who wrote that 100th review (And is a Kerry Ellis fan which just makes you naturally awesome ;) )! Thank you to Immortal Spud Thief, Nicky (PixieHead) and lilypad1 who also reviewed the last chapter =)**

**Thank you everyone! **

**21. The Final Chapter  
**

Nikki lay on her bed, avoiding looking at the photo of her baby girl that lay on her bedside table. This was all of her fears realised. Her mind was so dark and so full of fear… a few months ago she feared that she would never recover from the mess that she found herself in, but that was nothing compared to _this. _

"You've got to go and see her at some point soon Niks. If it hurts too much to walk, I can take you down there in a wheelchair." Harry was almost begging her. He didn't know why she was so reluctant to see her daughter, he didn't know what she was scared of. The doctors were taking her off the ventilator that afternoon; she was doing much better than they had originally thought.

"That doesn't stop her from being frightened Harry." Leo told him, "She's terrified of losing her."

"Then you'd think she'd be spending every last second with her. Gemma said that her daughter was born prematurely and she couldn't bear to be apart from her whilst she was in intensive care… but the baby's not going to die Leo!" Harry was exasperated.

Leo looked through the window at the nameless baby girl, lying there so innocently attached to tubes and wires, "Well maybe Nikki's not convinced of that. Different people react in different ways, and Nikki has lost so much in the last few months, more than you'll probably ever know… she probably doesn't want to place all of her hopes on the opinions of a couple of doctors, no matter how qualified they might be."

"It's like thinks are going into reverse… that glassy expression in her eyes… I don't want to back there Leo, but if I'm forced to I will. For Nikki." Harry was desperate for them to be a happy family, but the chances of that happening seemed to be becoming more and more limited.

*****

Nikki took some slow steps towards the paediatrics intensive care unit. It hurt to walk a little because of the caesarean, but that wasn't why she was taking her time. She had spent so long waiting to hold her baby in her arms, but she up until now she hadn't been able to do that. The doctors had told her that she was breathing on her own now and that, if she wanted to, she could come and have a cuddle with the little girl, but Nikki was so frightened of anything happening.

She had expected the doors leading through to the unit to be closed, she had been looking around for a nurse to let her in, but it had been propped open by a trolley. There was only one person, well, one grown person inside the ward. He had his back to Nikki, but she knew instantly who he was. She saw a baby in his arms; _her baby._

The blood drained out of her face, her feet became rooted to the ground and she felt her arms shaking violently, "Put. Her. Down." She said slowly, trying to sound strong, but feeling as scared as she did seven and a half months ago.

The man turned around, "Nicola. She's beautiful."

"Please." She begged, her voice barely a whisper. An immense fear had taken over her body. This was the first time she had laid eyes on her daughter and she knew that she would do anything to protect her, "Please Grayson, just give her to me."

"Call me Peter." He said, looking down at the tiny little girl in his arms. He stroked her head, making Nikki shudder, "She's the spitting image of you."

"She's not even one day old. And she's premature; she shouldn't be out of the incubator." Nikki tried desperately to remain calm, "Why are you here?" she whispered, "After all of this time, why now?"

He looked up at her, "I wanted to apologise for what I did to you, it was wrong of me" he said solemnly, "And I wanted to see my daughter."

Nikki exploded in a flood of anger and fear, "She is not your daughter! She's my baby girl, _my daughter._" She cried.

"I heard the nurses say that you hadn't even been here to see her." He started to bounce the baby softly in his arms as she stirred from her sleep.

"Please," she said, no longer able to hide any tears, "Please just don't hurt her."

"Maybe you don't deserve her." He continued, starting to move towards the door.

"You killed them, didn't you? You killed your family all of those months ago and you blamed it on your dead stepson." She couldn't let him leave, but she didn't know what to do, she didn't know how to save her. She felt so powerless.

"That was the past Nicola. Me and this little thing, we're the future. I need to make amends." He brought the baby closer to his chest.

"And how do you think you're going to do that? Never mind what you did to your family, what about what you did to me? You made me hate myself! Sometimes I even blamed myself, can you believe that?! Not that I ever talked to anyone about that, you made me scared of really talking to people even now. Harry knows that I used to have nightmares about you, but he doesn't know that I still can't go a night without being woken up by images of when you attacked me, that when my mind wonders during the day it always ends up finding _you._ You can never know how much you've hurt me and you can _never _make amends." Strangely it felt good to get these words out after all of these months, it was almost like she had been waiting for this moment. Nikki had her back to the door, but she knew from the look of Grayson's face that someone had just entered the room. As she turned around, she had half expected to see Harry in the doorway, "Dad?"

"Nikki? What's going on?" Victor stared out at the peculiar scene before him.

Nikki had never felt so relieved to see her father, "Dad… he's taking my baby!"

Grayson ran for it, only to be grabbed by Victor. Nikki screamed, thinking that the baby would get crushed between them. Finally she regained the use of her legs and ran towards them, gently pulling out her little girl from between them and falling to the ground. She didn't watch as her father wrestled Grayson to the ground and knocked him out; she couldn't do anything but stare at her perfect baby girl who seemed completely un-disturbed by the action.

"Nikki?" Harry ran through the door.

Nikki looked up to see that she was now joined by nurses and a security guard along with Harry and Gemma, "Harry…" she couldn't keep her attention away from the baby for long, and was soon back looking down at her precious little girl.

"So… what exactly is going on here?" Victor asked. When he had asked a nurse where he might find his daughter, he had been directed to the maternity department and he had eventually ended up here, "Niks?" she would have told him if she was having a baby, wouldn't she?

He got no response from his daughter, "That man raped her nearly eight months ago." Gemma explained as Harry went and knelt by Nikki, "And that resulted in this little one being born."

"Are you okay Niks?" Harry put his hand on her shoulder and smiled down at the sleeping baby.

She sat still, "I was so scared… I couldn't do anything to save her."

"It's all okay now." Harry kissed her on the cheek.

A nurse took the baby out of her arms and placed her back into the incubator, reattaching the monitors that were telling them that the premature baby was doing surprisingly well.

Victor walked over to her, "Oh Niks… why didn't you tell me about any of this? You know that I would have been there for you."

She shrugged, "I know. Dad, I was so messed up for a while back there… I barely knew what was going on myself for a long time."

"I… I understand." He knew that he hadn't been a very good father to Nikki. But if she could go through all of this without wanting him there… things needed to change, he realised this now. Whether Nikki would want him there more was a different matter.

"Thank you Dad. Thank you so much!" She gently placed her arms around him, "If I'd lost her… I don't think I could have ever recovered from that." She smiled as Leo and Janet walked into the unit, "You're all here; my whole family. Everything that I could ever wish for."

*****

Later that evening when all of the commotion died down, Harry returned to the unit thinking about the events of the day so far; now that Grayson had been arrested, he knew that Nikki would be able to begin a whole new step of the recovery process that had up until now been off limits due to the fear of Grayson still being out there somewhere. And with the baby girl she had now fully accepted into her life, well, the future was definitely bright.

He knelt beside the chair where Nikki sat cradling her little girl. He stroked her soft cheek, feeling so content and at peace, "It's all over now."

"And yet it's only just beginning." She smiled, leaning over slowly to kiss Harry gently on the lips. She looked into his sparkling eyes and knew that she was doing the right thing. It had always been the right thing.

"You're sure about this?" Asked the quietly ecstatic Harry. His response was another, deeper kiss, "Have… have you decided on a name yet?"

She nodded, "Effie."

His brow furrowed, "I thought you said that Effie was stupid name, that you thought it was too posh? Even for you!"

"_Even for me?_ What's that supposed to mean?" she giggled, "I never said that I thought it was stupid and I said that Euphemia was too posh, but she's not called Euphemia, she's called Effie." She grinned down at her little, no longer nameless little girl.

"_Women._" He sighed. They would always confuse him, especially this one. And he imagined that her daughter would be just as bad.

Effie slowly opened her eyes, squirming a little in her mothers arms, "Hello little one." Nikki smiled, feeling happier than she had ever been before, "I know you've met him before, but let me introduce you to your daddy." She passed her down to Harry who was looking completely stunned.

"You're sure?" he asked as he took Effie in his arms, holding her as though she was made of the finest porcelain.

Nikki looked at them together; they looked perfect, "Would I have said it if I didn't mean it?" She asked

Harry had the biggest smile on his face; he didn't know that he was capable of being so happy. He brought Effie close to his chest, "Do you know what Effie?" he asked gently down to her, "You're the luckiest little girl in the world. Your mummy is the most wonderful person and she'll really deserve those 'Best Mummy' mugs that we'll be getting her on Mother's Day," He looked up as Nikki giggled, looking a little embarrassed, "And I'll try my best to be the best daddy to you that I possibly can."

"Everything really is going to be alright, isn't it Harry." Finally she truly believed Harry's promise. She knew that, although she would never be thankful in anyway for what Grayson did to her, without all of that she may never have arrived here with Harry and with her beautiful baby girl. With a future.

* * *

**I hope it was a satisfying ending!**

**If any of you are Merlin fans, I've just started a Modern AU fic based on Morgana and Arthur (But mostly Morgana)! I do have plans to write another Silent Witness fic, but it probably won't be for a while yet =)  
**

**Thanks again guys,**

**Fayex  
**


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